Much like Captain Jack Sparrow's poignant "But why is the rum gone?", sometimes it is critical in life to ask the right questions. Here are a few examples of the right question to ask in various life situations the next time you encounter them (and you will, probably the next time you open facebook).
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: Why do women always date assholes and then complain that there aren't any nice guys?
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Why are assholes always so goddamn good looking?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Why am I always stuck with the last pick? Or alternately, who keeps letting Chuck Norris pick first?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Can you please explain Lyme disease to me?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: If a train leaves New York traveling west at 50 mph and another train leaves California traveling east at 45 mph, where and when will they meet?
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Who the fuck takes trains anymore?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: You can't have your cake and eat it, too.
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Why don't we just buy a bigger cake next time?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: How do you know that?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: I loved him enough to let him go.
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Was he dangling over the edge of a cliff?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: Don't give advice that isn't asked for.
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: Will you marry me?
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: What's in it for me?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: I'm just going to keep hoping & praying until my problem goes away on its own!
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: And which hand are you going to shit in?
I would write some more, but some guy just stashed vodka in the bushes in front of my work so I have to go refill the bottle with water and put it back now.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
A lot better than that shit you'll find in your fortune cookie tonight
Sometimes as humans, we learn from experience. Other times, we learn from observation. In my eyes, the apex of learning occurs when we are also laughing. Or something. Honestly, I just felt like I needed to preface my list of life lessons with some words, so here they are. I'm outlining a few lessons I've learned in life, through experience, observation, and/or wikipedia.
You actually will use cursive writing in real adult life. Growing up in a world rife with computers and instructions to "PLEASE PRINT", I never thought I'd actually need to use cursive - and I wasn't buying that "you need to learn an entire new writing style so you can sign your name to important grown-up things" bit, because everyone knows you only need to sign the first letter of your name and then just sort of scribble randomly. The real reason you need to learn to write in cursive is in preparation for that day when you go into work so hungover that you literally cannot lift your pen off of the piece of paper you're writing on. On that day and only that day, cursive is going to be the most amazing thing you've ever experienced, except for possibly a Big Mac.
Everyone can get 15 minute breaks at work. How many people have started smoking just to get extra breaks at work? I know I've been tempted even though I sure as hell know better. Honestly I can't believe that I've only figured this one out in the last year or so, but you don't need to take cigarette breaks just to get off the floor for 15 minutes. Just remember: Not everybody smokes, but everybody poops. It's not like anyone's going to follow you in there to find out that you're actually just sitting on the closed toilet lid playing Angry Birds.
Everything worth watching on TV is on Sunday at 9:00 pm. You can only watch one of them at a time, though. Seriously, TV is just pure junk all week long, and then everything you actually want to watch is all on at the same time. If you like a show that's on at a different time, you probably have horrible taste in entertainment. Either that, or your show is getting moved next season to Sundays at 9.
Don't talk trash about other people. It's supposed to be bad karma, it makes you look insecure, blah blah blah there are a lot of ways that you can try to make yourself feel good for refraining from talking trash about someone else, but the real reason I advise against it is because it's like an unwritten universal law that the second you get to that one horrible thing that's been in your head but you know you shouldn't ever say, that person will suddenly appear right behind you and hear the entire thing, and you will never get back that DVD you lent them.
Try not to outdrink everyone else at the table. You're going to feel absolutely great if you do. You'll see yourself as funny, charming, clever and - when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the bathroom mirror - damn hot to boot. That is, until the next morning when your friends won't return your calls, you open Facebook to see that you wrote "Peace out bitches" on all your co-worker's walls at 3:15 am, and the credit card slip in your purse says "Don't eat yellow snow" in the tip line. Then you're just going to feel like the asshole you were.
You actually will use cursive writing in real adult life. Growing up in a world rife with computers and instructions to "PLEASE PRINT", I never thought I'd actually need to use cursive - and I wasn't buying that "you need to learn an entire new writing style so you can sign your name to important grown-up things" bit, because everyone knows you only need to sign the first letter of your name and then just sort of scribble randomly. The real reason you need to learn to write in cursive is in preparation for that day when you go into work so hungover that you literally cannot lift your pen off of the piece of paper you're writing on. On that day and only that day, cursive is going to be the most amazing thing you've ever experienced, except for possibly a Big Mac.
Everyone can get 15 minute breaks at work. How many people have started smoking just to get extra breaks at work? I know I've been tempted even though I sure as hell know better. Honestly I can't believe that I've only figured this one out in the last year or so, but you don't need to take cigarette breaks just to get off the floor for 15 minutes. Just remember: Not everybody smokes, but everybody poops. It's not like anyone's going to follow you in there to find out that you're actually just sitting on the closed toilet lid playing Angry Birds.
Everything worth watching on TV is on Sunday at 9:00 pm. You can only watch one of them at a time, though. Seriously, TV is just pure junk all week long, and then everything you actually want to watch is all on at the same time. If you like a show that's on at a different time, you probably have horrible taste in entertainment. Either that, or your show is getting moved next season to Sundays at 9.
Don't talk trash about other people. It's supposed to be bad karma, it makes you look insecure, blah blah blah there are a lot of ways that you can try to make yourself feel good for refraining from talking trash about someone else, but the real reason I advise against it is because it's like an unwritten universal law that the second you get to that one horrible thing that's been in your head but you know you shouldn't ever say, that person will suddenly appear right behind you and hear the entire thing, and you will never get back that DVD you lent them.
Try not to outdrink everyone else at the table. You're going to feel absolutely great if you do. You'll see yourself as funny, charming, clever and - when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the bathroom mirror - damn hot to boot. That is, until the next morning when your friends won't return your calls, you open Facebook to see that you wrote "Peace out bitches" on all your co-worker's walls at 3:15 am, and the credit card slip in your purse says "Don't eat yellow snow" in the tip line. Then you're just going to feel like the asshole you were.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
It Could Be Worse: A Guide to First-World Problems (for Children)
Here's a handy guide to first-world problems that you can share with the children in your life. Next time the child you own/babysit/cater to complains about his or her life, simply refer to this handy guide, which will show those spoiled brats exactly how good they have it.
First World Problem:
It Could Be Worse:
First World Problem:
First World Problem:
It Could Be Worse:
First World Problem:
It Could Be Worse:
First World Problem:
It Could Be Worse:
First World Problem:
It Could Be Worse:
First World Problem:
It Could Be Worse:
First World Problem:
It Could Be Worse:
First World Problem:
It Could Be Worse:
First World Problem:
It Could Be Worse:
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
You know the fat guy with the questionable apron stains?
Sometimes it seems like all the patrons I remember by name and those that my co-workers remember by name are not the same people, so I often have to resort to descriptions when relating a story or incident at work. I describe people by the way I remember them, and since my completely serious descriptions of people often make my co-workers laugh, I decided they might be worth sharing. Here are some of the ways I have described patrons... I wish they were made up for the sake of humor, I really do... but nope, I have to wait on these people frequently enough that when I describe them, everyone always knows exactly who I mean.
"You know the fat guy with the questionable apron stains?" Yeah. A short, round little man with a checkered apron and chef's cap. I call these stains "questionable" because they look like spilled milk... fine, right? Yeah, except we've caught him surfing porn on the library computers so... you see what I mean? The seemingly innocuous baking debris suddenly becomes questionable in the worst possible way.
"Not the potbellied guy with the bald head and big nose that's always really whiny, but his skinny needy friend with the greasy hair..." That pretty much sums it up, really.
"The lady who thinks her grandkids were abducted by government agents..." Often confused with the lady who thinks that aliens have taken control of peoples' brains... a la Animorphs, I guess... this woman came in one day and told us that secret government agents came into her house and "they just took them!". I am not sure if DSS took her grandkids or if she hallucinated the whole thing, but either way, it doesn't explain why she then sat down and proceeded to knit in the library, telling her story anew to any who made the mistake of sitting next to her.
"You know the crazy lady who thinks aliens are taking over peoples' brains and that the government is following her? Yeah, the one who spit on some guy's car and threatened him with a hammer. Her." She once also said the Lord's Prayer over an employee to try and cast the demons (or was it aliens?) out.
"The little hunchbacked guy with the longish white hair that's always sticking straight up who says he works for the Census even though it's been done for awhile." So the reason I was describing him at all was to let my co-workers know that he was trying to hide being on a naked mudwrestling website by minimizing it and replacing it with a Russian Mail-Order Bride site. Because that is so much less creepy?
"The guy who parked in the handicapped spot, and when someone confronted him, said it was fine because handicapped people never come out in the rain, anyway."
"The guy who summarizes that Twilight Zone episode about the guy with the books who loses his glasses literally every time he comes in, and then he asks for my name, and I give him a different one every time? You know him?" Telling him that not only have I seen that episode, but we have already discussed it, like, six times does not faze him.
"The guy who always leans over the counter and wants to firmly shake your hand on every visit." He is always taking out books about business management and networking, so I can only assume that he is just practicing.
"The big couple that used to come in all the time... the guy has the long gray ponytail and the dragon shirts, and the woman has a mullet and the boobs that she could literally tuck into her waistband, but she never wears a bra?" The reason I had to describe them was because he was playing with her boobs in the parking lot. Classy.
"The lady who speaks perfect English when she's asking for something, but the second you tell her she has overdue fines, she can't understand a word of what you're saying." There is some confusion, because there are a few of these people. I usually have to specify whether it's the elderly one, the guy who speaks in literally the whiniest voice you have ever heard, or the mother who always says her kids would never take a book like that out, even when her kid is standing there holding one from the same series.
"The father and son who look exactly alike and both have this nasally voice that are always asking about Star Wars books... sometimes you can hear some lady screaming in the background?Still not sure who I mean? OK How about this: Do you have any Stahh Wahhs books?" I wish I wasn't too lazy to attach an audio file. You need to hear these guys, or at least my spot-on impression of them.
To be continued at a later date. You didn't think that was all of them, did you? I have to laugh, because if I didn't, I would snap and then I'd be an easy target for those brain-snatching aliens.
"You know the fat guy with the questionable apron stains?" Yeah. A short, round little man with a checkered apron and chef's cap. I call these stains "questionable" because they look like spilled milk... fine, right? Yeah, except we've caught him surfing porn on the library computers so... you see what I mean? The seemingly innocuous baking debris suddenly becomes questionable in the worst possible way.
"Not the potbellied guy with the bald head and big nose that's always really whiny, but his skinny needy friend with the greasy hair..." That pretty much sums it up, really.
"The lady who thinks her grandkids were abducted by government agents..." Often confused with the lady who thinks that aliens have taken control of peoples' brains... a la Animorphs, I guess... this woman came in one day and told us that secret government agents came into her house and "they just took them!". I am not sure if DSS took her grandkids or if she hallucinated the whole thing, but either way, it doesn't explain why she then sat down and proceeded to knit in the library, telling her story anew to any who made the mistake of sitting next to her.
"You know the crazy lady who thinks aliens are taking over peoples' brains and that the government is following her? Yeah, the one who spit on some guy's car and threatened him with a hammer. Her." She once also said the Lord's Prayer over an employee to try and cast the demons (or was it aliens?) out.
"The little hunchbacked guy with the longish white hair that's always sticking straight up who says he works for the Census even though it's been done for awhile." So the reason I was describing him at all was to let my co-workers know that he was trying to hide being on a naked mudwrestling website by minimizing it and replacing it with a Russian Mail-Order Bride site. Because that is so much less creepy?
"The guy who parked in the handicapped spot, and when someone confronted him, said it was fine because handicapped people never come out in the rain, anyway."
"The guy who summarizes that Twilight Zone episode about the guy with the books who loses his glasses literally every time he comes in, and then he asks for my name, and I give him a different one every time? You know him?" Telling him that not only have I seen that episode, but we have already discussed it, like, six times does not faze him.
"The guy who always leans over the counter and wants to firmly shake your hand on every visit." He is always taking out books about business management and networking, so I can only assume that he is just practicing.
"The big couple that used to come in all the time... the guy has the long gray ponytail and the dragon shirts, and the woman has a mullet and the boobs that she could literally tuck into her waistband, but she never wears a bra?" The reason I had to describe them was because he was playing with her boobs in the parking lot. Classy.
"The lady who speaks perfect English when she's asking for something, but the second you tell her she has overdue fines, she can't understand a word of what you're saying." There is some confusion, because there are a few of these people. I usually have to specify whether it's the elderly one, the guy who speaks in literally the whiniest voice you have ever heard, or the mother who always says her kids would never take a book like that out, even when her kid is standing there holding one from the same series.
"The father and son who look exactly alike and both have this nasally voice that are always asking about Star Wars books... sometimes you can hear some lady screaming in the background?Still not sure who I mean? OK How about this: Do you have any Stahh Wahhs books?" I wish I wasn't too lazy to attach an audio file. You need to hear these guys, or at least my spot-on impression of them.
To be continued at a later date. You didn't think that was all of them, did you? I have to laugh, because if I didn't, I would snap and then I'd be an easy target for those brain-snatching aliens.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
Party Crashers
No, I don't mean hitting up a party you weren't invited to - does anyone even do that after high school? What I'm talking about is those parties where your best friend should totally hide your keys, but both of you are too drunk to remember where you put them down, anyway. Putting off the search until the morning, where you will undoubtedly find them in either the freezer (Oh yeah! Totally left them there when I was looking for ice cream!) or in the toilet tank (Nope, no idea how they got there) is your only option.
But if proper protocol isn't followed, even one night crashing at a friend's house can lead to a situation as heated as if LiLo and Taylor Swift decided to be roommates. (Can you imagine that? "LINDSAY THAT'S FOR MY HOMEMADE SNOWGLOBES, STOP TRYING TO SNIFF IT!")
Now, you don't want that. I don't want that. And Ringo here definitely doesn't want that. So how can you avoid ruining your friendship during a booze-induced sleepover? Luckily, I've compiled some handy rules for crashing after a party:
1.) Poppin' Bottles Under no circumstances should you open a bottle of liquor you didn't bring, unless you have permission from the party host. Your drunk ass can't tell the difference between Smirnoff and Granddad's vintage scotch at this point, so don't gamble.
2.) Four more shots of Patron, don't give a fuck about goin' home Of course you don't, but shots of Patron (and other pricey liquors) are not for solitary consumption. Don't do a shot of these liquors alone - it's rude to the other party guests, but more importantly, it offends the liquor commercial gods.
3.) Been drinkin' too much for sure Yeah, we know. That's why you will be provided with a shopping-bag lined wastebasket next to your bed/couch/floor spot. In the event of an involuntary expelling of your stomach contents, every effort should be made to reach the toilet, but if it's not possible, use the basket.
4.) If the cops roll up, poor the cops a cup Seriously, don't do this. Are you fucking crazy? Promise to turn down the music and lock the door.
5.) Take a genius to understand me Here's the deal: We all pinky-swear to each other's grandiose "plans" for tomorrow, agree that together we could solve all the world's problems, and then tomorrow we pretend the whole conversation never happened. Bringing up last night's crazy scheme to scale the Rockies and then run for Congress over this morning's plate of International Pancakes is considered a party foul.
6.) Pictures of last night ended up online Don't be a dick. You absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, post pictures from this party on Facebook, unless you have the express consent of every person in the picture. No exceptions.
7.) Sorry for party rocking That's all well and good, but if you urinate anywhere besides the bathroom, we are no longer friends.
8.) You, sir, do not have a pair of testicles if you prefer drinkin' from glass While this may or may not be true, remember that no one is going to get pissed at you for cracking a solo cup, even if beer does "run down the front of [your] pack".
9.) I got the mooooooooves like Jagger No, you don't. If, during the course of your intoxication, you believe that you do, you agree that any demonstrations to that effect are subject to videotaping, but as far as sharing goes, see Rule #6 and remember that permission obtained from a drunk person is not really permission any more than a compliment from a drunk person means you really do look like Megan Fox/Ryan Gosling.
10.) In the morning, buy me eggs Depending on when and in what state of terrible hangover we all wake up, we may elect to go to breakfast together. This is completely fine and not considered an overstay of your welcome, but remember that offers to come back and maybe catch a movie after breakfast are just kind, empty gestures. We all just want to go crawl back into bed until it's dark out, so please don't take this away from your gracious party hosts.
And that's it! Obviously I can't predict every possible bit of assholery you might get into, but hopefully this handy list will help you (or your party guests) keep the basics straight. We all want to have fun, but nobody wants to spend the day after the party cleaning bodily fluids and watching The Rules of Attraction with you, no matter how much we might love you. Remember that, and I'm sure you'll be back next weekend! (Bring a bottle this time, you fucking cheapskate.)
But if proper protocol isn't followed, even one night crashing at a friend's house can lead to a situation as heated as if LiLo and Taylor Swift decided to be roommates. (Can you imagine that? "LINDSAY THAT'S FOR MY HOMEMADE SNOWGLOBES, STOP TRYING TO SNIFF IT!")
Now, you don't want that. I don't want that. And Ringo here definitely doesn't want that. So how can you avoid ruining your friendship during a booze-induced sleepover? Luckily, I've compiled some handy rules for crashing after a party:
1.) Poppin' Bottles Under no circumstances should you open a bottle of liquor you didn't bring, unless you have permission from the party host. Your drunk ass can't tell the difference between Smirnoff and Granddad's vintage scotch at this point, so don't gamble.
2.) Four more shots of Patron, don't give a fuck about goin' home Of course you don't, but shots of Patron (and other pricey liquors) are not for solitary consumption. Don't do a shot of these liquors alone - it's rude to the other party guests, but more importantly, it offends the liquor commercial gods.
3.) Been drinkin' too much for sure Yeah, we know. That's why you will be provided with a shopping-bag lined wastebasket next to your bed/couch/floor spot. In the event of an involuntary expelling of your stomach contents, every effort should be made to reach the toilet, but if it's not possible, use the basket.
4.) If the cops roll up, poor the cops a cup Seriously, don't do this. Are you fucking crazy? Promise to turn down the music and lock the door.
5.) Take a genius to understand me Here's the deal: We all pinky-swear to each other's grandiose "plans" for tomorrow, agree that together we could solve all the world's problems, and then tomorrow we pretend the whole conversation never happened. Bringing up last night's crazy scheme to scale the Rockies and then run for Congress over this morning's plate of International Pancakes is considered a party foul.
6.) Pictures of last night ended up online Don't be a dick. You absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, post pictures from this party on Facebook, unless you have the express consent of every person in the picture. No exceptions.
7.) Sorry for party rocking That's all well and good, but if you urinate anywhere besides the bathroom, we are no longer friends.
8.) You, sir, do not have a pair of testicles if you prefer drinkin' from glass While this may or may not be true, remember that no one is going to get pissed at you for cracking a solo cup, even if beer does "run down the front of [your] pack".
9.) I got the mooooooooves like Jagger No, you don't. If, during the course of your intoxication, you believe that you do, you agree that any demonstrations to that effect are subject to videotaping, but as far as sharing goes, see Rule #6 and remember that permission obtained from a drunk person is not really permission any more than a compliment from a drunk person means you really do look like Megan Fox/Ryan Gosling.
10.) In the morning, buy me eggs Depending on when and in what state of terrible hangover we all wake up, we may elect to go to breakfast together. This is completely fine and not considered an overstay of your welcome, but remember that offers to come back and maybe catch a movie after breakfast are just kind, empty gestures. We all just want to go crawl back into bed until it's dark out, so please don't take this away from your gracious party hosts.
And that's it! Obviously I can't predict every possible bit of assholery you might get into, but hopefully this handy list will help you (or your party guests) keep the basics straight. We all want to have fun, but nobody wants to spend the day after the party cleaning bodily fluids and watching The Rules of Attraction with you, no matter how much we might love you. Remember that, and I'm sure you'll be back next weekend! (Bring a bottle this time, you fucking cheapskate.)
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