Much like Captain Jack Sparrow's poignant "But why is the rum gone?", sometimes it is critical in life to ask the right questions. Here are a few examples of the right question to ask in various life situations the next time you encounter them (and you will, probably the next time you open facebook).
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: Why do women always date assholes and then complain that there aren't any nice guys?
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Why are assholes always so goddamn good looking?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Why am I always stuck with the last pick? Or alternately, who keeps letting Chuck Norris pick first?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Can you please explain Lyme disease to me?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: If a train leaves New York traveling west at 50 mph and another train leaves California traveling east at 45 mph, where and when will they meet?
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Who the fuck takes trains anymore?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: You can't have your cake and eat it, too.
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Why don't we just buy a bigger cake next time?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: How do you know that?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: I loved him enough to let him go.
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Was he dangling over the edge of a cliff?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: Don't give advice that isn't asked for.
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: Will you marry me?
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: What's in it for me?
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: I'm just going to keep hoping & praying until my problem goes away on its own!
THE RIGHT QUESTION IS: And which hand are you going to shit in?
I would write some more, but some guy just stashed vodka in the bushes in front of my work so I have to go refill the bottle with water and put it back now.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
A lot better than that shit you'll find in your fortune cookie tonight
Sometimes as humans, we learn from experience. Other times, we learn from observation. In my eyes, the apex of learning occurs when we are also laughing. Or something. Honestly, I just felt like I needed to preface my list of life lessons with some words, so here they are. I'm outlining a few lessons I've learned in life, through experience, observation, and/or wikipedia.
You actually will use cursive writing in real adult life. Growing up in a world rife with computers and instructions to "PLEASE PRINT", I never thought I'd actually need to use cursive - and I wasn't buying that "you need to learn an entire new writing style so you can sign your name to important grown-up things" bit, because everyone knows you only need to sign the first letter of your name and then just sort of scribble randomly. The real reason you need to learn to write in cursive is in preparation for that day when you go into work so hungover that you literally cannot lift your pen off of the piece of paper you're writing on. On that day and only that day, cursive is going to be the most amazing thing you've ever experienced, except for possibly a Big Mac.
Everyone can get 15 minute breaks at work. How many people have started smoking just to get extra breaks at work? I know I've been tempted even though I sure as hell know better. Honestly I can't believe that I've only figured this one out in the last year or so, but you don't need to take cigarette breaks just to get off the floor for 15 minutes. Just remember: Not everybody smokes, but everybody poops. It's not like anyone's going to follow you in there to find out that you're actually just sitting on the closed toilet lid playing Angry Birds.
Everything worth watching on TV is on Sunday at 9:00 pm. You can only watch one of them at a time, though. Seriously, TV is just pure junk all week long, and then everything you actually want to watch is all on at the same time. If you like a show that's on at a different time, you probably have horrible taste in entertainment. Either that, or your show is getting moved next season to Sundays at 9.
Don't talk trash about other people. It's supposed to be bad karma, it makes you look insecure, blah blah blah there are a lot of ways that you can try to make yourself feel good for refraining from talking trash about someone else, but the real reason I advise against it is because it's like an unwritten universal law that the second you get to that one horrible thing that's been in your head but you know you shouldn't ever say, that person will suddenly appear right behind you and hear the entire thing, and you will never get back that DVD you lent them.
Try not to outdrink everyone else at the table. You're going to feel absolutely great if you do. You'll see yourself as funny, charming, clever and - when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the bathroom mirror - damn hot to boot. That is, until the next morning when your friends won't return your calls, you open Facebook to see that you wrote "Peace out bitches" on all your co-worker's walls at 3:15 am, and the credit card slip in your purse says "Don't eat yellow snow" in the tip line. Then you're just going to feel like the asshole you were.
You actually will use cursive writing in real adult life. Growing up in a world rife with computers and instructions to "PLEASE PRINT", I never thought I'd actually need to use cursive - and I wasn't buying that "you need to learn an entire new writing style so you can sign your name to important grown-up things" bit, because everyone knows you only need to sign the first letter of your name and then just sort of scribble randomly. The real reason you need to learn to write in cursive is in preparation for that day when you go into work so hungover that you literally cannot lift your pen off of the piece of paper you're writing on. On that day and only that day, cursive is going to be the most amazing thing you've ever experienced, except for possibly a Big Mac.
Everyone can get 15 minute breaks at work. How many people have started smoking just to get extra breaks at work? I know I've been tempted even though I sure as hell know better. Honestly I can't believe that I've only figured this one out in the last year or so, but you don't need to take cigarette breaks just to get off the floor for 15 minutes. Just remember: Not everybody smokes, but everybody poops. It's not like anyone's going to follow you in there to find out that you're actually just sitting on the closed toilet lid playing Angry Birds.
Everything worth watching on TV is on Sunday at 9:00 pm. You can only watch one of them at a time, though. Seriously, TV is just pure junk all week long, and then everything you actually want to watch is all on at the same time. If you like a show that's on at a different time, you probably have horrible taste in entertainment. Either that, or your show is getting moved next season to Sundays at 9.
Don't talk trash about other people. It's supposed to be bad karma, it makes you look insecure, blah blah blah there are a lot of ways that you can try to make yourself feel good for refraining from talking trash about someone else, but the real reason I advise against it is because it's like an unwritten universal law that the second you get to that one horrible thing that's been in your head but you know you shouldn't ever say, that person will suddenly appear right behind you and hear the entire thing, and you will never get back that DVD you lent them.
Try not to outdrink everyone else at the table. You're going to feel absolutely great if you do. You'll see yourself as funny, charming, clever and - when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the bathroom mirror - damn hot to boot. That is, until the next morning when your friends won't return your calls, you open Facebook to see that you wrote "Peace out bitches" on all your co-worker's walls at 3:15 am, and the credit card slip in your purse says "Don't eat yellow snow" in the tip line. Then you're just going to feel like the asshole you were.
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