It Could Be Worse: A Guide to First-World Problems (for Children)

Here's a handy guide to first-world problems that you can share with the children in your life. Next time the child you own/babysit/cater to complains about his or her life, simply refer to this handy guide, which will show those spoiled brats exactly how good they have it.

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MSPaint Cartoons #3: Library Infographics

You know the fat guy with the questionable apron stains?

Sometimes it seems like all the patrons I remember by name and those that my co-workers remember by name are not the same people, so I often have to resort to descriptions when relating a story or incident at work. I describe people by the way I remember them, and since my completely serious descriptions of people often make my co-workers laugh, I decided they might be worth sharing. Here are some of the ways I have described patrons... I wish they were made up for the sake of humor, I really do... but nope, I have to wait on these people frequently enough that when I describe them, everyone always knows exactly who I mean.

"You know the fat guy with the questionable apron stains?" Yeah. A short, round little man with a checkered apron and chef's cap. I call these stains "questionable" because they look like spilled milk... fine, right? Yeah, except we've caught him surfing porn on the library computers so... you see what I mean? The seemingly innocuous baking debris suddenly becomes questionable in the worst possible way.

"Not the potbellied guy with the bald head and big nose that's always really whiny, but his skinny needy friend with the greasy hair..." That pretty much sums it up, really.

"The lady who thinks her grandkids were abducted by government agents..." Often confused with the lady who thinks that aliens have taken control of peoples' brains... a la Animorphs, I guess... this woman came in one day and told us that secret government agents came into her house and "they just took them!". I am not sure if DSS took her grandkids or if she hallucinated the whole thing, but either way, it doesn't explain why she then sat down and proceeded to knit in the library, telling her story anew to any who made the mistake of sitting next to her.

"You know the crazy lady who thinks aliens are taking over peoples' brains and that the government is following her? Yeah, the one who spit on some guy's car and threatened him with a hammer. Her." She once also said the Lord's Prayer over an employee to try and cast the demons (or was it aliens?) out.

"The little hunchbacked guy with the longish white hair that's always sticking straight up who says he works for the Census even though it's been done for awhile." So the reason I was describing him at all was to let my co-workers know that he was trying to hide being on a naked mudwrestling website by minimizing it and replacing it with a Russian Mail-Order Bride site. Because that is so much less creepy?

"The guy who parked in the handicapped spot, and when someone confronted him, said it was fine because handicapped people never come out in the rain, anyway."

"The guy who summarizes that Twilight Zone episode about the guy with the books who loses his glasses literally every time he comes in, and then he asks for my name, and I give him a different one every time? You know him?" Telling him that not only have I seen that episode, but we have already discussed it, like, six times does not faze him.

"The guy who always leans over the counter and wants to firmly shake your hand on every visit." He is always taking out books about business management and networking, so I can only assume that he is just practicing.

"The big couple that used to come in all the time... the guy has the long gray ponytail and the dragon shirts, and the woman has a mullet and the boobs that she could literally tuck into her waistband, but she never wears a bra?" The reason I had to describe them was because he was playing with her boobs in the parking lot. Classy.

"The lady who speaks perfect English when she's asking for something, but the second you tell her she has overdue fines, she can't understand a word of what you're saying." There is some confusion, because there are a few of these people. I usually have to specify whether it's the elderly one, the guy who speaks in literally the whiniest voice you have ever heard, or the mother who always says her kids would never take a book like that out, even when her kid is standing there holding one from the same series.

"The father and son who look exactly alike and both have this nasally voice that are always asking about Star Wars books... sometimes you can hear some lady screaming in the background?Still not sure who I mean? OK How about this: Do you have any Stahh Wahhs books?" I wish I wasn't too lazy to attach an audio file. You need to hear these guys, or at least my spot-on impression of them.

To be continued at a later date. You didn't think that was all of them, did you? I have to laugh, because if I didn't, I would snap and then I'd be an easy target for those brain-snatching aliens.