Library Confidential (originally published in 2008)
So, I work in a library. Before I worked there, I really had no idea what kind of strange, otherworldly universe libraries really are behind the scenes. Today, I'm going to take YOU on a secret VIP tour of *dun dun dun* what really goes on in public libraries, by exploring the top ten (in my opinion anyway, and it's my blog so you're going to have to deal with my opinion) myths about the library.
Library Myth #10: You don't actually need a library card to use the library.
I know, I know. You've probably never heard this myth before, because you probably have a functioning brain. However, I can assure you that not only does this myth exists, but it's widely accepted as fact among library users. People really think they can walk in and take out hundreds of books just because they are cute. Or old. Or insane. I've heard all different reasons why people couldn't be assed to bring their library cards, or why they don't feel they need one at all. You know what? I bet these are the same people that won't let you use their Stop & Shop card if you forget yours and they're behind you in line. Fucking hypocrites.
Library Myth #9: All librarians are lonely, sex-deprived wannabe strippers who are just waiting for you to come and sweep them off their feet and have your way with them.
Sorry, boys. It's just not true. I can tell you think so by the way you wink at me when I ask for your telephone number, but I assure you it's only so I can forward it to telemarketers. I mean, uhm, so I can call to tell you the book you ordered is here. Yeah, that's it. I'm perfectly capable of getting laid, despite the fact that I do indeed work behind the circulation desk and I do wear eyeglasses. Contrary to popular belief, I am not going to start stripping to bad jazz music if you tell me your library card is in your pants, so please stop hanging around my desk and listening to all my conversations. And for god's sake, stop asking me if I want you to walk me home from work. Unlike you, I actually own a car and I can drive myself home when I'm out of work. Apparently people think that librarians are so desperately lonely that we will sleep with anyone, even nasty, dirty homeless men twice our age. Myth busted, guys.
Library Myth #8: Your taxes pay my salary, damn it.
While taxes do help support a city's various public services, including libraries, everyone who has ever said this to me turns out to be on welfare or disability, so your imaginary taxes aren't paying shit.
Library Myth #7: The library doesn't have anything written after 1979.
Pfft, have you even been to a library lately? We have more DVDs than we do books at this point. We're like Blockbuster, except free. Unless you return all your movies ridiculously late, in which case it's your own damn fault and we're still cheaper than Blockbuster. And for anyone that thinks we don't carry newer books has not been a party to the awkward phone calls when someone wants me to place How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed With You on hold for them. I can inform you that this particular piece of groundbreaking literature was published in 2007, and the library does indeed own a copy. I can even get it sent to your library for you. Just don't expect me to say the title when I call you to tell you it's here.
Library Myth #6: Nobody steals from the library
This one probably never even crossed your mind, but it gets representation in the list because in the last three months the library I work at has had over thirty DVDs stolen right out of the cases. Now we have these horrible locks that you have to slam against the counter to open, because the opener-thingy (yeah that's what we call it) never works right. What's really frightening is how many times someone has stolen "The Police Exam Test Prep Book".
Library Myth #5: Libraries are quiet places where you can read or study in peace.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Library Myth #4: Childrens' librarians love kids.
This might be true for the first six months of the job. Search far and wide and you won't find a seasoned childrens' librarian who hasn't used the phrase "little shits" at least once in the staffroom. It's not really their fault, though. If you saw a snot-nosed kid pulling books off the shelves and throwing them on the floor right after you put those books away, you'd be tempted to use some colorful language, too.
Library Myth #3: Overdue fines are non-negotiable.
Officially, they're not. In reality, it's worth forty cents to us to get you to just shut the fuck up and get on with your day. Seriously, who argues about library overdue fines? That's so lame. It's so lame I don't even want to talk to you. Just go.
Library Myth #2: The library is a safe place where you never have to worry about being attacked by people who think they are from another planet.
Actually, the library is one of the top five places you can go if you're looking to find someone who thinks they're from another planet. We're behind only mental hospitals and the Disney store. There was a woman who, until the last year or so, came to my work twice a week, calmly relating news from her home planet. Sometimes she would spit on people, or threaten to stab them with screwdrivers, but you can't really blame her. You see, Jesus, who incidentally happens to be from the same distant planet as this woman, was telling her via the voices in her head to do these things. Alien-Jesus also told this woman that the reason I made her pay overdue fines was because I knew she was claustrophobic and, being prejudiced against claustrophobes, wanted to punish her. I'm not really sure I understood the logic, but I don't have to, because the Holy Martian did.
And finally... Library Myth #1: Libraries have clean public restrooms.
Dude, people crap in our trashcans.
Library Myth #10: You don't actually need a library card to use the library.
I know, I know. You've probably never heard this myth before, because you probably have a functioning brain. However, I can assure you that not only does this myth exists, but it's widely accepted as fact among library users. People really think they can walk in and take out hundreds of books just because they are cute. Or old. Or insane. I've heard all different reasons why people couldn't be assed to bring their library cards, or why they don't feel they need one at all. You know what? I bet these are the same people that won't let you use their Stop & Shop card if you forget yours and they're behind you in line. Fucking hypocrites.
Library Myth #9: All librarians are lonely, sex-deprived wannabe strippers who are just waiting for you to come and sweep them off their feet and have your way with them.
Sorry, boys. It's just not true. I can tell you think so by the way you wink at me when I ask for your telephone number, but I assure you it's only so I can forward it to telemarketers. I mean, uhm, so I can call to tell you the book you ordered is here. Yeah, that's it. I'm perfectly capable of getting laid, despite the fact that I do indeed work behind the circulation desk and I do wear eyeglasses. Contrary to popular belief, I am not going to start stripping to bad jazz music if you tell me your library card is in your pants, so please stop hanging around my desk and listening to all my conversations. And for god's sake, stop asking me if I want you to walk me home from work. Unlike you, I actually own a car and I can drive myself home when I'm out of work. Apparently people think that librarians are so desperately lonely that we will sleep with anyone, even nasty, dirty homeless men twice our age. Myth busted, guys.
Library Myth #8: Your taxes pay my salary, damn it.
While taxes do help support a city's various public services, including libraries, everyone who has ever said this to me turns out to be on welfare or disability, so your imaginary taxes aren't paying shit.
Library Myth #7: The library doesn't have anything written after 1979.
Pfft, have you even been to a library lately? We have more DVDs than we do books at this point. We're like Blockbuster, except free. Unless you return all your movies ridiculously late, in which case it's your own damn fault and we're still cheaper than Blockbuster. And for anyone that thinks we don't carry newer books has not been a party to the awkward phone calls when someone wants me to place How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed With You on hold for them. I can inform you that this particular piece of groundbreaking literature was published in 2007, and the library does indeed own a copy. I can even get it sent to your library for you. Just don't expect me to say the title when I call you to tell you it's here.
Library Myth #6: Nobody steals from the library
This one probably never even crossed your mind, but it gets representation in the list because in the last three months the library I work at has had over thirty DVDs stolen right out of the cases. Now we have these horrible locks that you have to slam against the counter to open, because the opener-thingy (yeah that's what we call it) never works right. What's really frightening is how many times someone has stolen "The Police Exam Test Prep Book".
Library Myth #5: Libraries are quiet places where you can read or study in peace.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Library Myth #4: Childrens' librarians love kids.
This might be true for the first six months of the job. Search far and wide and you won't find a seasoned childrens' librarian who hasn't used the phrase "little shits" at least once in the staffroom. It's not really their fault, though. If you saw a snot-nosed kid pulling books off the shelves and throwing them on the floor right after you put those books away, you'd be tempted to use some colorful language, too.
Library Myth #3: Overdue fines are non-negotiable.
Officially, they're not. In reality, it's worth forty cents to us to get you to just shut the fuck up and get on with your day. Seriously, who argues about library overdue fines? That's so lame. It's so lame I don't even want to talk to you. Just go.
Library Myth #2: The library is a safe place where you never have to worry about being attacked by people who think they are from another planet.
Actually, the library is one of the top five places you can go if you're looking to find someone who thinks they're from another planet. We're behind only mental hospitals and the Disney store. There was a woman who, until the last year or so, came to my work twice a week, calmly relating news from her home planet. Sometimes she would spit on people, or threaten to stab them with screwdrivers, but you can't really blame her. You see, Jesus, who incidentally happens to be from the same distant planet as this woman, was telling her via the voices in her head to do these things. Alien-Jesus also told this woman that the reason I made her pay overdue fines was because I knew she was claustrophobic and, being prejudiced against claustrophobes, wanted to punish her. I'm not really sure I understood the logic, but I don't have to, because the Holy Martian did.
And finally... Library Myth #1: Libraries have clean public restrooms.
Dude, people crap in our trashcans.
