Thursday, March 8, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
Party Crashers
No, I don't mean hitting up a party you weren't invited to - does anyone even do that after high school? What I'm talking about is those parties where your best friend should totally hide your keys, but both of you are too drunk to remember where you put them down, anyway. Putting off the search until the morning, where you will undoubtedly find them in either the freezer (Oh yeah! Totally left them there when I was looking for ice cream!) or in the toilet tank (Nope, no idea how they got there) is your only option.
But if proper protocol isn't followed, even one night crashing at a friend's house can lead to a situation as heated as if LiLo and Taylor Swift decided to be roommates. (Can you imagine that? "LINDSAY THAT'S FOR MY HOMEMADE SNOWGLOBES, STOP TRYING TO SNIFF IT!")
Now, you don't want that. I don't want that. And Ringo here definitely doesn't want that. So how can you avoid ruining your friendship during a booze-induced sleepover? Luckily, I've compiled some handy rules for crashing after a party:
1.) Poppin' Bottles Under no circumstances should you open a bottle of liquor you didn't bring, unless you have permission from the party host. Your drunk ass can't tell the difference between Smirnoff and Granddad's vintage scotch at this point, so don't gamble.
2.) Four more shots of Patron, don't give a fuck about goin' home Of course you don't, but shots of Patron (and other pricey liquors) are not for solitary consumption. Don't do a shot of these liquors alone - it's rude to the other party guests, but more importantly, it offends the liquor commercial gods.
3.) Been drinkin' too much for sure Yeah, we know. That's why you will be provided with a shopping-bag lined wastebasket next to your bed/couch/floor spot. In the event of an involuntary expelling of your stomach contents, every effort should be made to reach the toilet, but if it's not possible, use the basket.
4.) If the cops roll up, poor the cops a cup Seriously, don't do this. Are you fucking crazy? Promise to turn down the music and lock the door.
5.) Take a genius to understand me Here's the deal: We all pinky-swear to each other's grandiose "plans" for tomorrow, agree that together we could solve all the world's problems, and then tomorrow we pretend the whole conversation never happened. Bringing up last night's crazy scheme to scale the Rockies and then run for Congress over this morning's plate of International Pancakes is considered a party foul.
6.) Pictures of last night ended up online Don't be a dick. You absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, post pictures from this party on Facebook, unless you have the express consent of every person in the picture. No exceptions.
7.) Sorry for party rocking That's all well and good, but if you urinate anywhere besides the bathroom, we are no longer friends.
8.) You, sir, do not have a pair of testicles if you prefer drinkin' from glass While this may or may not be true, remember that no one is going to get pissed at you for cracking a solo cup, even if beer does "run down the front of [your] pack".
9.) I got the mooooooooves like Jagger No, you don't. If, during the course of your intoxication, you believe that you do, you agree that any demonstrations to that effect are subject to videotaping, but as far as sharing goes, see Rule #6 and remember that permission obtained from a drunk person is not really permission any more than a compliment from a drunk person means you really do look like Megan Fox/Ryan Gosling.
10.) In the morning, buy me eggs Depending on when and in what state of terrible hangover we all wake up, we may elect to go to breakfast together. This is completely fine and not considered an overstay of your welcome, but remember that offers to come back and maybe catch a movie after breakfast are just kind, empty gestures. We all just want to go crawl back into bed until it's dark out, so please don't take this away from your gracious party hosts.
And that's it! Obviously I can't predict every possible bit of assholery you might get into, but hopefully this handy list will help you (or your party guests) keep the basics straight. We all want to have fun, but nobody wants to spend the day after the party cleaning bodily fluids and watching The Rules of Attraction with you, no matter how much we might love you. Remember that, and I'm sure you'll be back next weekend! (Bring a bottle this time, you fucking cheapskate.)
But if proper protocol isn't followed, even one night crashing at a friend's house can lead to a situation as heated as if LiLo and Taylor Swift decided to be roommates. (Can you imagine that? "LINDSAY THAT'S FOR MY HOMEMADE SNOWGLOBES, STOP TRYING TO SNIFF IT!")
Now, you don't want that. I don't want that. And Ringo here definitely doesn't want that. So how can you avoid ruining your friendship during a booze-induced sleepover? Luckily, I've compiled some handy rules for crashing after a party:
1.) Poppin' Bottles Under no circumstances should you open a bottle of liquor you didn't bring, unless you have permission from the party host. Your drunk ass can't tell the difference between Smirnoff and Granddad's vintage scotch at this point, so don't gamble.
2.) Four more shots of Patron, don't give a fuck about goin' home Of course you don't, but shots of Patron (and other pricey liquors) are not for solitary consumption. Don't do a shot of these liquors alone - it's rude to the other party guests, but more importantly, it offends the liquor commercial gods.
3.) Been drinkin' too much for sure Yeah, we know. That's why you will be provided with a shopping-bag lined wastebasket next to your bed/couch/floor spot. In the event of an involuntary expelling of your stomach contents, every effort should be made to reach the toilet, but if it's not possible, use the basket.
4.) If the cops roll up, poor the cops a cup Seriously, don't do this. Are you fucking crazy? Promise to turn down the music and lock the door.
5.) Take a genius to understand me Here's the deal: We all pinky-swear to each other's grandiose "plans" for tomorrow, agree that together we could solve all the world's problems, and then tomorrow we pretend the whole conversation never happened. Bringing up last night's crazy scheme to scale the Rockies and then run for Congress over this morning's plate of International Pancakes is considered a party foul.
6.) Pictures of last night ended up online Don't be a dick. You absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, post pictures from this party on Facebook, unless you have the express consent of every person in the picture. No exceptions.
7.) Sorry for party rocking That's all well and good, but if you urinate anywhere besides the bathroom, we are no longer friends.
8.) You, sir, do not have a pair of testicles if you prefer drinkin' from glass While this may or may not be true, remember that no one is going to get pissed at you for cracking a solo cup, even if beer does "run down the front of [your] pack".
9.) I got the mooooooooves like Jagger No, you don't. If, during the course of your intoxication, you believe that you do, you agree that any demonstrations to that effect are subject to videotaping, but as far as sharing goes, see Rule #6 and remember that permission obtained from a drunk person is not really permission any more than a compliment from a drunk person means you really do look like Megan Fox/Ryan Gosling.
10.) In the morning, buy me eggs Depending on when and in what state of terrible hangover we all wake up, we may elect to go to breakfast together. This is completely fine and not considered an overstay of your welcome, but remember that offers to come back and maybe catch a movie after breakfast are just kind, empty gestures. We all just want to go crawl back into bed until it's dark out, so please don't take this away from your gracious party hosts.
And that's it! Obviously I can't predict every possible bit of assholery you might get into, but hopefully this handy list will help you (or your party guests) keep the basics straight. We all want to have fun, but nobody wants to spend the day after the party cleaning bodily fluids and watching The Rules of Attraction with you, no matter how much we might love you. Remember that, and I'm sure you'll be back next weekend! (Bring a bottle this time, you fucking cheapskate.)
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