MSPaint Cartoons #1: What Really Happened This Winter

Road Rules, Masshole Edition

So since I am a woman, I always think know that I am right, and since I am from Massachusetts, I drive like kind of an asshole. This combination leads me to believe that I am in a position to set out the Road Rules that the rest of civilization must follow, so here they are:


1) The Truth About Yield Signs. A yield sign does not magically turn into a stop sign just because a cop is parked next to it. This is especially frustrating when I am trying to merge onto a fast-moving road like the highway, or pretty much any road that I'm not stuck behind a school bus on. If they meant for you to stop at this particular intersection, they would have placed a stop sign at it. A yield sign just means that you should either a) yield to oncoming traffic (if there is any, which there never is when you stop in front of me) or b) Make the other people yield (because you are from Massachusetts, and fuck them).


2) The Fine Art of Tailgating, and How You Are Doing it Wrong. Tailgating in general is for jerks, but it is allowed under certain circumstances, which are limited to the following: a) The person in front of me is going ridiculously slow (see 3. Speed Limits for Dummies) and b) I am trying to read your bumper sticker, but the letters are printed too small, both of which are in fact your own fault. That said, being on the receiving end of tailgating is not so fun, so there are certain etiquette rules you must follow when wishing to dislodge someone who's riding your bum(per) a little too closely:

1st Line of Defense: You may lightly tap your brakes just enough to turn your brake lights on and scare the bejeesus out of the person tailgating you.

2nd Line of Defense: If Line 1 doesn't work, you may now jerk the brakes aggressively, being careful to keep your eyes on the rearview so you can accelerate reaaaally fast if your tailgater fails to notice and brake along with you. This may or may not have the added bonus of causing your tailgater to crap their pants, but it is not necessary for success.

Final Line of Defense: If you still have a tailgater, you may now crack your driver's side window down and toss a penny or two out of it. This is the most effective, but they are close enough to read your license plate, so if you care about being sued for damaging someone's windshield, you may alternatively squirt some water out of your window, or even just spray some windshield fluid and depend on the wind to bring it back to them. If this still doesn't do the trick, I guess you could graduate to larger objects such as shoes or even your first-born (provided you are not particularly attached to them of course), but I would strongly advise against this.

3)  Speed Limits for Dummies. Unless you are just visiting the area, then you know by now that "Speed Limit: 65" is a huge joke second only to "Minimum: 45". I mean, yes, technically you could legally drive 45 mph on the highway, but that would last for all of twelve seconds before someone ran you off the road so I'm not even going to go there right now. The thing is, Massachusetts highways have their own very unique speed limit system, and it works something like this:

On most highways in Massachusetts, the actual unpublished speed rules are:

 However it is worth noting that there are a few exceptions to this rule, notably the Mass Pike and I-495, as outlined in this helpful diagram:

If you are not comfortable with these rules, then get the hell off our roads, please.


4) Don't Steal Orange Barrels and Traffic Cones, Unless You Belong to a Fraternity/Sorority and Are Using Them to Decorate Your Communal Home. Enough said.


5) The Use of Crosswalks. Look, you have to stop for people in crosswalks. No one wants to, but it's really non-negotiable, except in very special circumstances as outlined below:

a) The person crossing the street has not technically entered the crosswalk yet, but is just sort of tentatively stepping in its general direction:  This is so barely illegal. Just gun it.

b) The person crossing the street looks like they are about to come over to your car and ask you for money: They are. Don't give them the chance, just drive around them.

c) You just saw that person press the button on the corner, and then just run out into the crosswalk without waiting for the light to change:  Run them over, or at least come close enough to scare them out of ever pulling that shit again. If you don't, you will spend the next light cycle violently dismembering them in your imagination.

6) The 290 Squeeze. So named for the highway on which it occurs with the most frequently every day, The 290 Squeeze is a maneuver that involves teamwork and teaching jerks who is boss. What's not to love? Basically, when there is traffic on a highway, some asshole is going to try to scoot on by in the breakdown lane, and a bunch of other assholes are going to follow suit. Then these same assholes will all try to merge in about twenty car lengths up, and you and your fellow motorists should never allow this to happen. You can prevent such an atrocity by all shifting over slightly, so that your cars are basically riding the line of the right lane and the breakdown lane. It works best if you can get a tractor-trailer truck to help. Then, when traffic clears, you can all continue on your merry way feeling like you have contributed to society, because you really, really have.


These rules above will help you learn how to better drive in Massachusetts (if you are visiting. If you are not, then obviously these were just a friendly recap of things you already know). Because I do not like to be sued for inciting violence or traffic accidents any more than I like to be sued for damaging someone's windshield, I am obligated to point out that this whole thing is a big giant joke, and you should never, ever drive the way I have outlined, except it is definitely ok and encouraged to participate in a 290 Squeeze.

 

4 Things I Couldn't Make Up

4 of the strangest, funniest and/or cringe-worthiest things I've witnessed in the last few years. Absolutely positively not made up. (Who could think this stuff up?) It was going to be 5 things but sometimes I get bored easily, and somewhere between 4 and 5 was one of those times.

1) The French Fry Liberator

While at a local diner, I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich with french fries for lunch. As I was nomming, an older couple sat down right next to me at the counter, despite there being plenty of other seats around. The woman got up to use the bathroom, then sat back down while I sat there enjoying cheesy, buttery goodness and otherwise minding my own business. Then I detected movement from the corner of my eye: the woman's finger tip-toeing its way to the edge of my plate. I looked up and met her gaze and she said, "You don't mind if I have some of your french fries do you?" to which I replied... "Yes, yes I do mind." "But," she said, "what if it was only one french fry? Can I please have just one french fry?" "Uhm, sorry, no. These are my french fries," I replied. She countered, "But surely you're not going to eat all of those french fries?" "Yes, I am," I said, "That's why I ordered them." This entire conversation took place to the background music of the toilet flushing after her foray into the diner's restroom. And then of course, I was OBLIGATED to finish every last french fry, even though I got full halfway through.

2) The Bagel Burglar

People attempting to steal my food is a common theme here, isn't it? I was in line at the Dunkin Donuts drive-through in my home town. I had just placed my order to the disembodied voice coming through the speaker, and was waiting for the cars ahead of me to drive up to the window so I could follow. I glanced down to get out my Oscar the Grouch wallet (don't judge) so I could pay, and when I looked up the way was clear. I started to drive forward, when this car comes around the corner from a few cars behind me, swerves aside and then in front of me to the window, grabs a paper bag now containing MY MULTIGRAIN BAGEL DAMMIT IT BETTER NOT BE THE LAST ONE THEY HAD and peels off! 

3) Math for Dummies

This one takes place in my hometown too - honestly this compilation is starting to make me think I should move. I was in Walgreens waiting for the person in front of me to finish checking out, and it was taking FOREVER. Honestly, I expected it to be some little old lady counting out pennies and getting seventeen rain checks for denture cream and stool softener, but it was a perfectly ordinary-looking (for a mulleted person anyway) middle-aged woman, brandishing the store's sales flyer. "You rang me up wrong," she accused the cashier, a woman probably about my own age, "This soda is supposed to be 4 for $5, but you charged me $1.25 each!" The cashier pulled out a calculator and started punching numbers in like mad. ("She's kidding, right?" I was thinking, then, "Oh wait, I get it. She's going to do the math out and show her.") Then the cashier picked up the phone. "Manager to registers," she intoned, and the manager came over. the three women hunched over the calculator together, and finally I couldn't take it anymore (plus I was kind of in a rush). "You know," I piped up, "Four items for five dollars... that is $1.25 each." I got three blank looks (okay two blank looks and a dirty look - which wasn't fair because how could this woman possibly know what I was thinking about her mullet?) and they were still punching things into the register when I checked out in a different line and left.

4) The McDonald's Diet
My fiancé and I were in our hometown McDonalds, waiting in line, when they guy in front of us gets to the front of the line and asks the which sandiwches have no fat. No, I'm not kidding. "The lower-fat sandwiches? Like the grilled chicken?" the cashiers clarifies. "No," the old guy says, clearly getting irritated, taking his hands from the pocket of his khakis to place them on his hips, "I didn't ask for the low-fat sandwiches, I asked for the NO-fat sandwiches. The sandwiches that have no fat." The cashier turns away, consults a few co-workers, shuffles through the pile of nutritional facts sheets, and smacks one down on the counter. "This lists our entire menu, sir," he says, "Everything has fat, except maybe the water and the Diet coke. Look, even the light salad dressing has fat." The old guy turns around and kind of glances around at everyone else waiting in line, I guess either to see how many people he's irritating, or maybe to make some kind of khakis-and-lumberjack-shirt fashion statement. Then he looks back at the cashier. "I don't want to eat a salad, I want to eat a sandwich. A burger, or a chicken sandwich at the very least, that has no fat." Another customer in line, maybe trying to be helpful, goes, "No fat at all? That sounds pretty strict." and the old guy gets all indignant and replies, "You would want to be strict to if all that fat was going to your heart!" Okay, okay. Ignoring the fact that it's cholesterol he should be worried about... seriously, man? McDonald's?? Then he turns to everyone in line again and goes, "This place is getting worse and worse. It's unbelievable!" to which there is only one response... "Yeah... but it's McDonald's." What the fuck were you expecting?