Road Rules, Masshole Edition

So since I am a woman, I always think know that I am right, and since I am from Massachusetts, I drive like kind of an asshole. This combination leads me to believe that I am in a position to set out the Road Rules that the rest of civilization must follow, so here they are:


1) The Truth About Yield Signs. A yield sign does not magically turn into a stop sign just because a cop is parked next to it. This is especially frustrating when I am trying to merge onto a fast-moving road like the highway, or pretty much any road that I'm not stuck behind a school bus on. If they meant for you to stop at this particular intersection, they would have placed a stop sign at it. A yield sign just means that you should either a) yield to oncoming traffic (if there is any, which there never is when you stop in front of me) or b) Make the other people yield (because you are from Massachusetts, and fuck them).


2) The Fine Art of Tailgating, and How You Are Doing it Wrong. Tailgating in general is for jerks, but it is allowed under certain circumstances, which are limited to the following: a) The person in front of me is going ridiculously slow (see 3. Speed Limits for Dummies) and b) I am trying to read your bumper sticker, but the letters are printed too small, both of which are in fact your own fault. That said, being on the receiving end of tailgating is not so fun, so there are certain etiquette rules you must follow when wishing to dislodge someone who's riding your bum(per) a little too closely:

1st Line of Defense: You may lightly tap your brakes just enough to turn your brake lights on and scare the bejeesus out of the person tailgating you.

2nd Line of Defense: If Line 1 doesn't work, you may now jerk the brakes aggressively, being careful to keep your eyes on the rearview so you can accelerate reaaaally fast if your tailgater fails to notice and brake along with you. This may or may not have the added bonus of causing your tailgater to crap their pants, but it is not necessary for success.

Final Line of Defense: If you still have a tailgater, you may now crack your driver's side window down and toss a penny or two out of it. This is the most effective, but they are close enough to read your license plate, so if you care about being sued for damaging someone's windshield, you may alternatively squirt some water out of your window, or even just spray some windshield fluid and depend on the wind to bring it back to them. If this still doesn't do the trick, I guess you could graduate to larger objects such as shoes or even your first-born (provided you are not particularly attached to them of course), but I would strongly advise against this.

3)  Speed Limits for Dummies. Unless you are just visiting the area, then you know by now that "Speed Limit: 65" is a huge joke second only to "Minimum: 45". I mean, yes, technically you could legally drive 45 mph on the highway, but that would last for all of twelve seconds before someone ran you off the road so I'm not even going to go there right now. The thing is, Massachusetts highways have their own very unique speed limit system, and it works something like this:

On most highways in Massachusetts, the actual unpublished speed rules are:

 However it is worth noting that there are a few exceptions to this rule, notably the Mass Pike and I-495, as outlined in this helpful diagram:

If you are not comfortable with these rules, then get the hell off our roads, please.


4) Don't Steal Orange Barrels and Traffic Cones, Unless You Belong to a Fraternity/Sorority and Are Using Them to Decorate Your Communal Home. Enough said.


5) The Use of Crosswalks. Look, you have to stop for people in crosswalks. No one wants to, but it's really non-negotiable, except in very special circumstances as outlined below:

a) The person crossing the street has not technically entered the crosswalk yet, but is just sort of tentatively stepping in its general direction:  This is so barely illegal. Just gun it.

b) The person crossing the street looks like they are about to come over to your car and ask you for money: They are. Don't give them the chance, just drive around them.

c) You just saw that person press the button on the corner, and then just run out into the crosswalk without waiting for the light to change:  Run them over, or at least come close enough to scare them out of ever pulling that shit again. If you don't, you will spend the next light cycle violently dismembering them in your imagination.

6) The 290 Squeeze. So named for the highway on which it occurs with the most frequently every day, The 290 Squeeze is a maneuver that involves teamwork and teaching jerks who is boss. What's not to love? Basically, when there is traffic on a highway, some asshole is going to try to scoot on by in the breakdown lane, and a bunch of other assholes are going to follow suit. Then these same assholes will all try to merge in about twenty car lengths up, and you and your fellow motorists should never allow this to happen. You can prevent such an atrocity by all shifting over slightly, so that your cars are basically riding the line of the right lane and the breakdown lane. It works best if you can get a tractor-trailer truck to help. Then, when traffic clears, you can all continue on your merry way feeling like you have contributed to society, because you really, really have.


These rules above will help you learn how to better drive in Massachusetts (if you are visiting. If you are not, then obviously these were just a friendly recap of things you already know). Because I do not like to be sued for inciting violence or traffic accidents any more than I like to be sued for damaging someone's windshield, I am obligated to point out that this whole thing is a big giant joke, and you should never, ever drive the way I have outlined, except it is definitely ok and encouraged to participate in a 290 Squeeze.