1) The French Fry Liberator
While at a local diner, I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich with french fries for lunch. As I was nomming, an older couple sat down right next to me at the counter, despite there being plenty of other seats around. The woman got up to use the bathroom, then sat back down while I sat there enjoying cheesy, buttery goodness and otherwise minding my own business. Then I detected movement from the corner of my eye: the woman's finger tip-toeing its way to the edge of my plate. I looked up and met her gaze and she said, "You don't mind if I have some of your french fries do you?" to which I replied... "Yes, yes I do mind." "But," she said, "what if it was only one french fry? Can I please have just one french fry?" "Uhm, sorry, no. These are my french fries," I replied. She countered, "But surely you're not going to eat all of those french fries?" "Yes, I am," I said, "That's why I ordered them." This entire conversation took place to the background music of the toilet flushing after her foray into the diner's restroom. And then of course, I was OBLIGATED to finish every last french fry, even though I got full halfway through.
2) The Bagel Burglar
People attempting to steal my food is a common theme here, isn't it? I was in line at the Dunkin Donuts drive-through in my home town. I had just placed my order to the disembodied voice coming through the speaker, and was waiting for the cars ahead of me to drive up to the window so I could follow. I glanced down to get out my Oscar the Grouch wallet (don't judge) so I could pay, and when I looked up the way was clear. I started to drive forward, when this car comes around the corner from a few cars behind me, swerves aside and then in front of me to the window, grabs a paper bag now containing MY MULTIGRAIN BAGEL DAMMIT IT BETTER NOT BE THE LAST ONE THEY HAD and peels off!
3) Math for Dummies
This one takes place in my hometown too - honestly this compilation is starting to make me think I should move. I was in Walgreens waiting for the person in front of me to finish checking out, and it was taking FOREVER. Honestly, I expected it to be some little old lady counting out pennies and getting seventeen rain checks for denture cream and stool softener, but it was a perfectly ordinary-looking (for a mulleted person anyway) middle-aged woman, brandishing the store's sales flyer. "You rang me up wrong," she accused the cashier, a woman probably about my own age, "This soda is supposed to be 4 for $5, but you charged me $1.25 each!" The cashier pulled out a calculator and started punching numbers in like mad. ("She's kidding, right?" I was thinking, then, "Oh wait, I get it. She's going to do the math out and show her.") Then the cashier picked up the phone. "Manager to registers," she intoned, and the manager came over. the three women hunched over the calculator together, and finally I couldn't take it anymore (plus I was kind of in a rush). "You know," I piped up, "Four items for five dollars... that is $1.25 each." I got three blank looks (okay two blank looks and a dirty look - which wasn't fair because how could this woman possibly know what I was thinking about her mullet?) and they were still punching things into the register when I checked out in a different line and left.
4) The McDonald's Diet
My fiancé and I were in our hometown McDonalds, waiting in line, when they guy in front of us gets to the front of the line and asks the which sandiwches have no fat. No, I'm not kidding. "The lower-fat sandwiches? Like the grilled chicken?" the cashiers clarifies. "No," the old guy says, clearly getting irritated, taking his hands from the pocket of his khakis to place them on his hips, "I didn't ask for the low-fat sandwiches, I asked for the NO-fat sandwiches. The sandwiches that have no fat." The cashier turns away, consults a few co-workers, shuffles through the pile of nutritional facts sheets, and smacks one down on the counter. "This lists our entire menu, sir," he says, "Everything has fat, except maybe the water and the Diet coke. Look, even the light salad dressing has fat." The old guy turns around and kind of glances around at everyone else waiting in line, I guess either to see how many people he's irritating, or maybe to make some kind of khakis-and-lumberjack-shirt fashion statement. Then he looks back at the cashier. "I don't want to eat a salad, I want to eat a sandwich. A burger, or a chicken sandwich at the very least, that has no fat." Another customer in line, maybe trying to be helpful, goes, "No fat at all? That sounds pretty strict." and the old guy gets all indignant and replies, "You would want to be strict to if all that fat was going to your heart!" Okay, okay. Ignoring the fact that it's cholesterol he should be worried about... seriously, man? McDonald's?? Then he turns to everyone in line again and goes, "This place is getting worse and worse. It's unbelievable!" to which there is only one response... "Yeah... but it's McDonald's." What the fuck were you expecting?
4) The McDonald's Diet
My fiancé and I were in our hometown McDonalds, waiting in line, when they guy in front of us gets to the front of the line and asks the which sandiwches have no fat. No, I'm not kidding. "The lower-fat sandwiches? Like the grilled chicken?" the cashiers clarifies. "No," the old guy says, clearly getting irritated, taking his hands from the pocket of his khakis to place them on his hips, "I didn't ask for the low-fat sandwiches, I asked for the NO-fat sandwiches. The sandwiches that have no fat." The cashier turns away, consults a few co-workers, shuffles through the pile of nutritional facts sheets, and smacks one down on the counter. "This lists our entire menu, sir," he says, "Everything has fat, except maybe the water and the Diet coke. Look, even the light salad dressing has fat." The old guy turns around and kind of glances around at everyone else waiting in line, I guess either to see how many people he's irritating, or maybe to make some kind of khakis-and-lumberjack-shirt fashion statement. Then he looks back at the cashier. "I don't want to eat a salad, I want to eat a sandwich. A burger, or a chicken sandwich at the very least, that has no fat." Another customer in line, maybe trying to be helpful, goes, "No fat at all? That sounds pretty strict." and the old guy gets all indignant and replies, "You would want to be strict to if all that fat was going to your heart!" Okay, okay. Ignoring the fact that it's cholesterol he should be worried about... seriously, man? McDonald's?? Then he turns to everyone in line again and goes, "This place is getting worse and worse. It's unbelievable!" to which there is only one response... "Yeah... but it's McDonald's." What the fuck were you expecting?
No comments:
Post a Comment