So, according to what I posted on facebook, here's what my 2013 was like:
I got 2 tattoos and a new kitten, and also took a whole lot of pictures of glasses of beer, for some reason. I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time. I celebrated National Margarita Day before I even fact-checked that it was, in fact, National Margarita Day, dyed my hair 3 different colors (not at the same time), and went on four cruises (fuck yeah). Also, I am apparently the most sarcastic human being on the planet, and I work in a goddamn loony bin.
Oh, and during the height of the NSA surveillance scandal, I created this gem, which I feel I do not get nearly enough credit for:
I'm not sure if the world understands: I didn't find this shit on failblog, I MADE IT, because I am that clever and awesome. Whatever, true genius often goes unappreciated.
Now that I've got that out of the way, here are the highlights from my status updates:
January 15, 2013:
Made Dean's List again and just found out that if I do it again for the spring semester I will wind up graduating cum laude when I'm finally done :)
(I did it again for spring semester, by the way).
January 19, 2013:
If you did not sit on the washing machine during the spin cycle when you were a kid, you did not have a real childhood.
(It's true. Although, if you didn't own a washing machine, and you went to the laundromat and got in trouble for pushing your sibling around in one of those big wire laundry carts, I'll accept that as a substitute).
March 15, 2013:
I can't believe it took the library 7 years to write me up for swearing.
(Seriously. Can anyone believe that?)
March 29,2013:
BREAKING LIBRARY NEWS: I just heard an excuse that beats the psychosis one!
"I can't return that book.... the thing is, my sister is very religious and she believed the devil was living in that book, and she burned it in a big bonfire full of other evil books."
(Only, when he told the story, it took ten minutes to relay all of the same information I just did in one sentence.)
April 7, 2013:
Me: I'm never drinking again
Scott: you say that all the time
Me: ...sometimes "again" just means "today"
(It's true, I do always say that. But vodka knows I don't mean it... right, vodka?)
May 3, 2013:
man: I need a supervisor
me: They're all in a meeting right now
man: help me jesus, help me jesus
me: ... he's in a meeting, too.
(Someone asked me if I really said this. Yes, of course I did. I will say anything, if I feel strongly enough about it and/or it's funny.)
May 11, 2013:
Me: there's this book i want to read called "stripped: the secret lives of exotic dancers"
[husband]: I'd rather see the movie.
(See, we are so funny together. I mean, I'm funnier, but you know.)
May 14, 2013:
So [husband] and I have been married one year today, and we're both still alive and in possession of a key to the house. That's good, right?
(It is good, right?)
June 7, 2013:
Some lady is complaining about me to the head librarian because I put her card down on the counter in front of her instead of handing it to her. Whatever, I told her my name was Allison Wonderland.
(This is actually my go-to fake name whenever someone is creepy or is obviously trying to start an argument. They don't usually ask for a last name, but I was honestly thrilled this one did. She didn't even bat an eye, just wrote it down.)
June 24, 2013:
1) Say any three words in Spanish
2) Say your name
3) List 5 countries
Congratulations, you just wrote a Pitbull song!
(Mine was: Hola, Amigo, Dos Equis / Stina! / Turkey, Zimbabwe, Uzbekistan, Canada, Poland!)
August 12, 2013:
guy: I'm looking for my friend. She said she was here, on the computer. Where would that be?
me: We have public computers on all 3 floors, I really couldn't tell you.
guy: Well, she's on facebook.
He does know facebook is not a place, right?
(Actually, I don't think he does.)
September 10, 2013:
I just came home and I saw this strange, vaguely historic looking thing on my front porch. It is basically a big yellow book, and inside are a whole bunch of names and businesses with phone numbers, I think. Any ideas what it could be? Should I bring it to a museum or something?
(Who the fuck uses a phone book anymore? Seriously, what a waste of annoyingly tissue-thin paper. They could easily be using that for public restroom toilet paper instead.)
September 20, 2013:
phone call -
woman: I just looked at my computer and it says I still have a video game out that I returned
me (looking it up): So it says that you just renewed it online ten minutes ago...
woman: Well, that's not possible because I don't even have a computer!
me: But you just told me you're looking at it on your computer.
*woman hangs up*
(You can't make this stuff up.)
December 3, 2013:
We (Library Staff) have been invited to put our suggested requirements for the new Head Librarian in an "anonymous" suggestion box. If I get 50 Likes, I will put this in:
"If you want this choice position
Have a cheery disposition
Rosy cheeks, no warts!
Play games, all sort
You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty
Take us on outings, give us treats
Sing songs, bring sweets
Never be cross or cruel
Never give us castor oil or gruel
Love us as a son and daughter
And never smell of barley water
If you won't scold and dominate us
We will never give you cause to hate us
We won't hide your spectacles
So you won't see
Put toads in your bed
Or pepper in your tea"
(It would have been comedy gold, if I'd gotten all 50 likes. Don't blame me for the missed opportunity, I totally would have done it.).
And, last but not least, I know everyone is wondering, what was my New Year's Resolution for 2013, and did I keep it?
Well, here's what it was:
December 31, 2012:
My New Year's resolution? End the year the same way I started it: drunkenly telling my friends how much I love them.
Did I keep it? Oh hell yeah, I did.
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