It Could Be Worse: A Guide to First-World Problems (for Children)

Here's a handy guide to first-world problems that you can share with the children in your life. Next time the child you own/babysit/cater to complains about his or her life, simply refer to this handy guide, which will show those spoiled brats exactly how good they have it.

First World Problem:

It Could Be Worse:

First World Problem:

It Could Be Worse:

First World Problem:

It Could Be Worse:

First World Problem:

It Could Be Worse:

First World Problem:

It Could Be Worse:

First World Problem:

It Could Be Worse:

First World Problem:

It Could Be Worse:

First World Problem:

It Could Be Worse:

MSPaint Cartoons #3: Library Infographics

You know the fat guy with the questionable apron stains?

Sometimes it seems like all the patrons I remember by name and those that my co-workers remember by name are not the same people, so I often have to resort to descriptions when relating a story or incident at work. I describe people by the way I remember them, and since my completely serious descriptions of people often make my co-workers laugh, I decided they might be worth sharing. Here are some of the ways I have described patrons... I wish they were made up for the sake of humor, I really do... but nope, I have to wait on these people frequently enough that when I describe them, everyone always knows exactly who I mean.

"You know the fat guy with the questionable apron stains?" Yeah. A short, round little man with a checkered apron and chef's cap. I call these stains "questionable" because they look like spilled milk... fine, right? Yeah, except we've caught him surfing porn on the library computers so... you see what I mean? The seemingly innocuous baking debris suddenly becomes questionable in the worst possible way.

"Not the potbellied guy with the bald head and big nose that's always really whiny, but his skinny needy friend with the greasy hair..." That pretty much sums it up, really.

"The lady who thinks her grandkids were abducted by government agents..." Often confused with the lady who thinks that aliens have taken control of peoples' brains... a la Animorphs, I guess... this woman came in one day and told us that secret government agents came into her house and "they just took them!". I am not sure if DSS took her grandkids or if she hallucinated the whole thing, but either way, it doesn't explain why she then sat down and proceeded to knit in the library, telling her story anew to any who made the mistake of sitting next to her.

"You know the crazy lady who thinks aliens are taking over peoples' brains and that the government is following her? Yeah, the one who spit on some guy's car and threatened him with a hammer. Her." She once also said the Lord's Prayer over an employee to try and cast the demons (or was it aliens?) out.

"The little hunchbacked guy with the longish white hair that's always sticking straight up who says he works for the Census even though it's been done for awhile." So the reason I was describing him at all was to let my co-workers know that he was trying to hide being on a naked mudwrestling website by minimizing it and replacing it with a Russian Mail-Order Bride site. Because that is so much less creepy?

"The guy who parked in the handicapped spot, and when someone confronted him, said it was fine because handicapped people never come out in the rain, anyway."

"The guy who summarizes that Twilight Zone episode about the guy with the books who loses his glasses literally every time he comes in, and then he asks for my name, and I give him a different one every time? You know him?" Telling him that not only have I seen that episode, but we have already discussed it, like, six times does not faze him.

"The guy who always leans over the counter and wants to firmly shake your hand on every visit." He is always taking out books about business management and networking, so I can only assume that he is just practicing.

"The big couple that used to come in all the time... the guy has the long gray ponytail and the dragon shirts, and the woman has a mullet and the boobs that she could literally tuck into her waistband, but she never wears a bra?" The reason I had to describe them was because he was playing with her boobs in the parking lot. Classy.

"The lady who speaks perfect English when she's asking for something, but the second you tell her she has overdue fines, she can't understand a word of what you're saying." There is some confusion, because there are a few of these people. I usually have to specify whether it's the elderly one, the guy who speaks in literally the whiniest voice you have ever heard, or the mother who always says her kids would never take a book like that out, even when her kid is standing there holding one from the same series.

"The father and son who look exactly alike and both have this nasally voice that are always asking about Star Wars books... sometimes you can hear some lady screaming in the background?Still not sure who I mean? OK How about this: Do you have any Stahh Wahhs books?" I wish I wasn't too lazy to attach an audio file. You need to hear these guys, or at least my spot-on impression of them.

To be continued at a later date. You didn't think that was all of them, did you? I have to laugh, because if I didn't, I would snap and then I'd be an easy target for those brain-snatching aliens.

The Truth is in the Google Search #1: Wedding Weight Loss

Party Crashers

No, I don't mean hitting up a party you weren't invited to - does anyone even do that after high school? What I'm talking about is those parties where your best friend should totally hide your keys, but both of you are too drunk to remember where you put them down, anyway. Putting off the search until the morning, where you will undoubtedly find them in either the freezer (Oh yeah! Totally left them there when I was looking for ice cream!) or in the toilet tank (Nope, no idea how they got there) is your only option.

But if proper protocol isn't followed, even one night crashing at a friend's house can lead to a situation as heated as if LiLo and Taylor Swift decided to be roommates. (Can you imagine that? "LINDSAY THAT'S FOR MY HOMEMADE SNOWGLOBES, STOP TRYING TO SNIFF IT!")

Now, you don't want that. I don't want that. And Ringo here definitely doesn't want that. So how can you avoid ruining your friendship during a booze-induced sleepover? Luckily, I've compiled some handy rules for crashing after a party:

1.) Poppin' Bottles Under no circumstances should you open a bottle of liquor you didn't bring, unless you have permission from the party host. Your drunk ass can't tell the difference between Smirnoff and Granddad's vintage scotch at this point, so don't gamble.

2.) Four more shots of Patron, don't give a fuck about goin' home Of course you don't, but shots of Patron (and other pricey liquors) are not for solitary consumption. Don't do a shot of these liquors alone - it's rude to the other party guests, but more importantly, it offends the liquor commercial gods.

3.) Been drinkin' too much for sure Yeah, we know. That's why you will be provided with a shopping-bag lined wastebasket next to your bed/couch/floor spot. In the event of an involuntary expelling of your stomach contents, every effort should be made to reach the toilet, but if it's not possible, use the basket.

4.) If the cops roll up, poor the cops a cup Seriously, don't do this. Are you fucking crazy? Promise to turn down the music and lock the door.

5.) Take a genius to understand me Here's the deal: We all pinky-swear to each other's grandiose "plans" for tomorrow, agree that together we could solve all the world's problems, and then tomorrow we pretend the whole conversation never happened. Bringing up last night's crazy scheme to scale the Rockies and then run for Congress over this morning's plate of International Pancakes is considered a party foul.

6.) Pictures of last night ended up online Don't be a dick. You absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, post pictures from this party on Facebook, unless you have the express consent of every person in the picture. No exceptions.

7.) Sorry for party rocking That's all well and good, but if you urinate anywhere besides the bathroom, we are no longer friends.

8.) You, sir, do not have a pair of testicles if you prefer drinkin' from glass While this may or may not be true, remember that no one is going to get pissed at you for cracking a solo cup, even if beer does "run down the front of [your] pack".

9.) I got the mooooooooves like Jagger No, you don't. If, during the course of your intoxication, you believe that you do, you agree that any demonstrations to that effect are subject to videotaping, but as far as sharing goes, see Rule #6 and remember that permission obtained from a drunk person is not really permission any more than a compliment from a drunk person means you really do look like Megan Fox/Ryan Gosling.

10.) In the morning, buy me eggs Depending on when and in what state of terrible hangover we all wake up, we may elect to go to breakfast together. This is completely fine and not considered an overstay of your welcome, but remember that offers to come back and maybe catch a movie after breakfast are just kind, empty gestures. We all just want to go crawl back into bed until it's dark out, so please don't take this away from your gracious party hosts.

And that's it! Obviously I can't predict every possible bit of assholery you might get into, but hopefully this handy list will help you (or your party guests) keep the basics straight. We all want to have fun, but nobody wants to spend the day after the party cleaning bodily fluids and watching The Rules of Attraction with you, no matter how much we might love you. Remember that, and I'm sure you'll be back next weekend! (Bring a bottle this time, you fucking cheapskate.)

MSPaint Cartoons #1: What Really Happened This Winter

Road Rules, Masshole Edition

So since I am a woman, I always think know that I am right, and since I am from Massachusetts, I drive like kind of an asshole. This combination leads me to believe that I am in a position to set out the Road Rules that the rest of civilization must follow, so here they are:


1) The Truth About Yield Signs. A yield sign does not magically turn into a stop sign just because a cop is parked next to it. This is especially frustrating when I am trying to merge onto a fast-moving road like the highway, or pretty much any road that I'm not stuck behind a school bus on. If they meant for you to stop at this particular intersection, they would have placed a stop sign at it. A yield sign just means that you should either a) yield to oncoming traffic (if there is any, which there never is when you stop in front of me) or b) Make the other people yield (because you are from Massachusetts, and fuck them).


2) The Fine Art of Tailgating, and How You Are Doing it Wrong. Tailgating in general is for jerks, but it is allowed under certain circumstances, which are limited to the following: a) The person in front of me is going ridiculously slow (see 3. Speed Limits for Dummies) and b) I am trying to read your bumper sticker, but the letters are printed too small, both of which are in fact your own fault. That said, being on the receiving end of tailgating is not so fun, so there are certain etiquette rules you must follow when wishing to dislodge someone who's riding your bum(per) a little too closely:

1st Line of Defense: You may lightly tap your brakes just enough to turn your brake lights on and scare the bejeesus out of the person tailgating you.

2nd Line of Defense: If Line 1 doesn't work, you may now jerk the brakes aggressively, being careful to keep your eyes on the rearview so you can accelerate reaaaally fast if your tailgater fails to notice and brake along with you. This may or may not have the added bonus of causing your tailgater to crap their pants, but it is not necessary for success.

Final Line of Defense: If you still have a tailgater, you may now crack your driver's side window down and toss a penny or two out of it. This is the most effective, but they are close enough to read your license plate, so if you care about being sued for damaging someone's windshield, you may alternatively squirt some water out of your window, or even just spray some windshield fluid and depend on the wind to bring it back to them. If this still doesn't do the trick, I guess you could graduate to larger objects such as shoes or even your first-born (provided you are not particularly attached to them of course), but I would strongly advise against this.

3)  Speed Limits for Dummies. Unless you are just visiting the area, then you know by now that "Speed Limit: 65" is a huge joke second only to "Minimum: 45". I mean, yes, technically you could legally drive 45 mph on the highway, but that would last for all of twelve seconds before someone ran you off the road so I'm not even going to go there right now. The thing is, Massachusetts highways have their own very unique speed limit system, and it works something like this:

On most highways in Massachusetts, the actual unpublished speed rules are:

 However it is worth noting that there are a few exceptions to this rule, notably the Mass Pike and I-495, as outlined in this helpful diagram:

If you are not comfortable with these rules, then get the hell off our roads, please.


4) Don't Steal Orange Barrels and Traffic Cones, Unless You Belong to a Fraternity/Sorority and Are Using Them to Decorate Your Communal Home. Enough said.


5) The Use of Crosswalks. Look, you have to stop for people in crosswalks. No one wants to, but it's really non-negotiable, except in very special circumstances as outlined below:

a) The person crossing the street has not technically entered the crosswalk yet, but is just sort of tentatively stepping in its general direction:  This is so barely illegal. Just gun it.

b) The person crossing the street looks like they are about to come over to your car and ask you for money: They are. Don't give them the chance, just drive around them.

c) You just saw that person press the button on the corner, and then just run out into the crosswalk without waiting for the light to change:  Run them over, or at least come close enough to scare them out of ever pulling that shit again. If you don't, you will spend the next light cycle violently dismembering them in your imagination.

6) The 290 Squeeze. So named for the highway on which it occurs with the most frequently every day, The 290 Squeeze is a maneuver that involves teamwork and teaching jerks who is boss. What's not to love? Basically, when there is traffic on a highway, some asshole is going to try to scoot on by in the breakdown lane, and a bunch of other assholes are going to follow suit. Then these same assholes will all try to merge in about twenty car lengths up, and you and your fellow motorists should never allow this to happen. You can prevent such an atrocity by all shifting over slightly, so that your cars are basically riding the line of the right lane and the breakdown lane. It works best if you can get a tractor-trailer truck to help. Then, when traffic clears, you can all continue on your merry way feeling like you have contributed to society, because you really, really have.


These rules above will help you learn how to better drive in Massachusetts (if you are visiting. If you are not, then obviously these were just a friendly recap of things you already know). Because I do not like to be sued for inciting violence or traffic accidents any more than I like to be sued for damaging someone's windshield, I am obligated to point out that this whole thing is a big giant joke, and you should never, ever drive the way I have outlined, except it is definitely ok and encouraged to participate in a 290 Squeeze.