Fake People Crushes

I read "Your Weirdest Crushes" on Jezebel Groupthink today and it reminded me of all the irrational celebrity/fictional character crushes I've had in my life, so I decided to blog them.

 Don't let me be alone in my public shame though. Comment with your weirdest obsessions with fake people!

First up, all my ludicrous childhood crushes on fake people:

Age 4 - Michelangelo from TMNT

Cool action hero on the most violent TV show I was allowed to watch? Check. Good sense of humor (for a turtle)? Check. And... most importantly of all... This dude always had pizza, which as any 4 year old knows, is the best food ever.








Age 5 - Wolverine from X-Men

I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that my generation's cartoons were a gazillion bajillion times better than the crap today's youth is watching. Case in point? Wolverine, a la 90's Saturday morning cartoons. Not really a crush because he's literally hundreds of years old, but in first grade, I used to tell people he was my dad.




Age 5 - Gambit from X-Men

This one was a legitimate crush. In my first-grade fantasy world, Wolverine was my dad and Gambit was my boyfriend. (I was also best friends with Rogue and Storm, even tough they were older, because fuck Jubilee. She's practically the X-Men equivalent of a Squib.)






Age 6 - Batman from, well, Batman

Can you tell I grew up with brothers? I loved 90s-cartoon-version Batman. In my fantasy, we used to make fun of Robin behind his back while Alfred made us chocolate-chip french toast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.






Age 7 - Speed Racer (Cartoon version)

Ok, honestly? His eyelashes were longer than his girlfriend's, but so what? He had an awesome car and a PET MONKEY.






Age 8 - Half of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

 Look, I was 8. I couldn't make up my mind on just ONE power Ranger to commit myself to obsessing over for the entirety of second grade! Tommy was always my fave, but sometimes you just need to mix it up. For the record, I never liked Jason (Red Ranger). He was just too... frat boy.




Age 10 - This guy from "Out of the Box"

Apparently his name is Tony, and apparently he has only gotten better looking with age. All I know is, he was the solitary reason I would "begrudgingly" let my little brother put "Out of the Box" on TV even though it was my turn to pick.






Age 12 - Bran from The Dark is Rising Sequence

He was a book character not well-known or popular enough to generate much fan-art, so I'll just tell you he was an Albino Welsh teenager on a magical Arthurian quest... ok NOW it sounds weird, doesn't it?


Age 13 - All of Hanson... and their Canadian counterparts, The Moffatts

I was 13, okay? At least they were real people and not cartoon characters!

Age 14 - Sirius Black and Remus Lupin (the book versions, obvs)

Unlike a lot of people I knew, I never bothered having crushes on any of the characters that were my own age. I mean seriously, who is Cedric Diggory next to an escaped convict, amirite?






Age 15 - Seto Kaiba, Marik Ishtar, and Yami Bakura from Yu-Gi-Oh

 So this was definitely a relapse into crushing on cartoon characters, but whatever. I was in high school during the height of the anime-takeover of US teen pop culture, or at least that is what I will tell them if I ever get called in for a psych evaluation.




Age 15 - Brock from Pokemon

I am not proud of this. In my defense, I suppose I needed a reason to watch Pokemon as a 15-year-old girl, and at the time this seemed better than just admitting I thought it was kind of cool. AT THE TIME.







And I won't lie and say my crushes on fake people stopped when I grew up. Here are some examples from my late teens through present day of completely weird celebrity/fictional character crushes:

Severus Snape

You know what? Any version. Book version, movie version, that one awesome hogwarts-was-real-in-this-dream-I-had  version... I don't even feel (that much) shame. This guy was smart, funny, sarcastic, good-hearted, and really great with comebacks. Really his fatal flaw is not existing in real life.





Gale from the Hunger Games (book version)

This guy is badass, okay? I just can't believe they let Miley Cyrus' boyfriend play him in the movies. Worst casting choice ever.










Samwell Tarly from Game of Thrones

OK, so he's no Kit Harrington, but he is a genuinely nice guy and he doesn't pretend to be anything he isn't... like brave, or physically fit. So you know what? I think he's so endearing it makes him cute.





Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones

What he lacks in height he makes up for in pure wit. Besides, I like a man who knows how to drink like one. I do kind of hope that Bronn comes with the deal too, though.





And rounding out the Game of Thrones category...
Natalie Dormer as Margaery Tyrell/Anne Boleyn

I know a few people who don't care for her, and I don't get it. Something about her perpetually crooked smile just gets me like <3






So there you have my weird fictional character crushes. I mean obviously I also <3 Jon Snow from GOT but who doesn't?

What completely non-existent people have you adored?