Check It Out - Library Comix #2 - Where's My DVD?

Another library comic, introducing another library stereotype, Mullet Meg!

Further proof that, no, nobody reads in a library.

Check It Out - Library Comix #1 - Urgent Informational Need

My first Library Comic using Bitstrips. Think I'm going to make it a series. This one stars me and "Pedo Pete"

MSPaint Cartoons: Say Yes to the Dress

So I saw a commercial for "Say Yes to the Dress" the other day, and I felt inspired to make this graph, representing every bride's relationship to the show. Enjoy my crappy MSPaint comic!

On Pajama Etiquette

It seems fitting that I'm writing a post about pajama etiquette while I am, in fact, wearing pajamas. I love pajamas. Seriously, on the list of things I love, pajamas fall solidly between my husband and expensive tequila. Definitely behind polar bears, but totally ahead of watching trashy tv shows off the DVR on a fake sick day.

But pajamas (much like tequila shots) are an example of a wonderful thing that can go terribly wrong when abused. Those who know me well at all are familiar with my stance on leggings-as-pants. Those who don't know me well are about to find out about my stance on leggings-as-pants: NO. NONONO. THEY ARE NOT PANTS. Pajamas, though? I mean, let's put this on a scale. And because I'm feeling moderately creative, let's make it an infographic (or, at least, my lazy, slapped-together version of an infographic that I can make without getting off the couch and using no equipment but my brain, my coffee, and my chromebook).

So as we can see by this highly sophisticated and educational chart, wearing pajamas outside of your home is so bad that it lives, on the wtf scale, somewhere far, far beyond leggings as pants. It lives, actually, "above and beyond" matching sweatsuits in a very literal sense.

So we've established that wearing pajamas outside of your house does not look good, but let's explore why else you should never, ever do it.

Most people want their clothes to say something about them. Maybe all you want your clothes to say is "I know how to match stuff!" or "Look, I just bought this!" and that's okay. Maybe you want your clothes to be a little edgier, say something like "I do crazy things in bed!" or "I briefly romanticized the idea of prison after watching every episode of Orange is the New Black on the same day!" and that's okay, too. Some people want their clothes to say "I have lots of money and nothing else to spend it on!" or "I live on a diet of dehydrated kale and pages from the September Vogue issue", and that's okay, too. Your clothes can say whatever you want them to say, but the general purpose of clothes is for them to say at least one thing: "Look, I got dressed today!"

Pajamas, when worn out in public, do not say this thing. Pajamas in public do not say anything good. Pajamas don't even say anything, they just sort of vaguely and listlessly imply that you're either deathly ill or so lazy and gross that you probably don't even bother to wipe yourself when you poop. Either way, you shouldn't have left your house today... and you DEFINITELY should not have come to the library, but maybe I'm biased.

Maybe you think if you are wearing pajamas you are being cute. Maybe you think it's an updated, revamped version of that weird pacifier-around-the-neck and side-ponytail thing that briefly happened in the early 90s. (Although, if this is the case, I have to seriously question why you would want to emulate the worst thing that ever happened to clothes in the 90s... yes, I'm including hammer pants and yes, I'm including scrunchies. The. Worst. Thing.) And I will grant you, there are some very narrow circumstances that allow for pajamas in public to be cute. Namely, the person wearing them has to be too young to physically dress themselves. So, if you are not a baby, then you should not be wearing pajamas in public.

Maybe you think, in some weird and misguided way, that wearing your pajamas out in public is sexy. It's not. I don't care if they're tweety bird flannels or a lace teddy, if they're pajamas they belong in your house. Nobody is thinking "Wow, look at that person in their PJs. It just makes me think about them being in bed... mmmm yeah I want to be there, too." Everybody, EVERYBODY is thinking, "Oh my god, is he/she sleepwalking? I better go wake them up so they can put some real pants on."

Maybe you're just super lazy/tired/sick and you HAD to go out but you just didn't have the strength or inclination to get dressed. Well, then maybe you should have just conducted all your errands today through a third party, or at least a drive-through. (Unless you are ordering more than three things at the drive-through, in which case you better wear the clothes you want to be buried in, because I'm not fucking around with that.)

If you have the strength to drive your car, or call a taxi, or wait at a bus stop, or walk your sorry ass to a physical space other than the one you live in, then you have the strength to put on some goddamn pants. You know what? Even leggings. Leggings are still better than pajamas. At least leggings say to the world, "I am trying! I got dressed! I'm just not very good at it, and I probably have a very high opinion of the shape of my own butt!" Which, you know, is still a message, so it's okay. It's not a message I particularly want to receive, but taste is relative. Pajamas are not.

They totally asked to be hackedIRL

Saw this today:

and I have to say, with that tagline so conveniently placed after an expanse of blank space, they are just begging to be trolled. Sadly, I possess neither a modicum of drive or a can of spray paint, so I'll just settle for photoshopping some of the many possibilities.

Feel free to steal the original image and be creative - just upload it in the comments section so I can see!

Google Tried to Warn Us

You know the fat guy with the questionable apron stains?

Sometimes it seems like all the patrons I remember by name and those that my co-workers remember by name are not the same people, so I often have to resort to descriptions when relating a story or incident at work. I describe people by the way I remember them, and since my completely serious descriptions of people often make my co-workers laugh, I decided they might be worth sharing. Here are some of the ways I have described patrons... I wish they were made up for the sake of humor, I really do... but nope, I have to wait on these people frequently enough that when I describe them, everyone always knows exactly who I mean.

"You know the fat guy with the questionable apron stains?" Yeah. A short, round little man with a checkered apron and chef's cap. I call these stains "questionable" because they look like spilled milk... fine, right? Yeah, except we've caught him surfing porn on the library computers so... you see what I mean? The seemingly innocuous baking debris suddenly becomes questionable in the worst possible way.

"Not the potbellied guy with the bald head and big nose that's always really whiny, but his skinny needy friend with the greasy hair..." That pretty much sums it up, really.

"The lady who thinks her grandkids were abducted by government agents..." Often confused with the lady who thinks that aliens have taken control of peoples' brains... a la Animorphs, I guess... this woman came in one day and told us that secret government agents came into her house and "they just took them!". I am not sure if DSS took her grandkids or if she hallucinated the whole thing, but either way, it doesn't explain why she then sat down and proceeded to knit in the library, telling her story anew to any who made the mistake of sitting next to her.

"You know the crazy lady who thinks aliens are taking over peoples' brains and that the government is following her? Yeah, the one who spit on some guy's car and threatened him with a hammer. Her." She once also said the Lord's Prayer over an employee to try and cast the demons (or was it aliens?) out.

"The little hunchbacked guy with the longish white hair that's always sticking straight up who says he works for the Census even though it's been done for awhile." So the reason I was describing him at all was to let my co-workers know that he was trying to hide being on a naked mudwrestling website by minimizing it and replacing it with a Russian Mail-Order Bride site. Because that is so much less creepy?

"The guy who parked in the handicapped spot, and when someone confronted him, said it was fine because handicapped people never come out in the rain, anyway."

"The guy who summarizes that Twilight Zone episode about the guy with the books who loses his glasses literally every time he comes in, and then he asks for my name, and I give him a different one every time? You know him?" Telling him that not only have I seen that episode, but we have already discussed it, like, six times does not faze him.

"The guy who always leans over the counter and wants to firmly shake your hand on every visit." He is always taking out books about business management and networking, so I can only assume that he is just practicing.

"The big couple that used to come in all the time... the guy has the long gray ponytail and the dragon shirts, and the woman has a mullet and the boobs that she could literally tuck into her waistband, but she never wears a bra?" The reason I had to describe them was because he was playing with her boobs in the parking lot. Classy.

"The lady who speaks perfect English when she's asking for something, but the second you tell her she has overdue fines, she can't understand a word of what you're saying." There is some confusion, because there are a few of these people. I usually have to specify whether it's the elderly one, the guy who speaks in literally the whiniest voice you have ever heard, or the mother who always says her kids would never take a book like that out, even when her kid is standing there holding one from the same series.

"The father and son who look exactly alike and both have this nasally voice that are always asking about Star Wars books... sometimes you can hear some lady screaming in the background?Still not sure who I mean? OK How about this: Do you have any Stahh Wahhs books?" I wish I wasn't too lazy to attach an audio file. You need to hear these guys, or at least my spot-on impression of them.

To be continued at a later date. You didn't think that was all of them, did you? I have to laugh, because if I didn't, I would snap and then I'd be an easy target for those brain-snatching aliens.

Party Crashers

No, I don't mean hitting up a party you weren't invited to - does anyone even do that after high school? What I'm talking about is those parties where your best friend should totally hide your keys, but both of you are too drunk to remember where you put them down, anyway. Putting off the search until the morning, where you will undoubtedly find them in either the freezer (Oh yeah! Totally left them there when I was looking for ice cream!) or in the toilet tank (Nope, no idea how they got there) is your only option.

But if proper protocol isn't followed, even one night crashing at a friend's house can lead to a situation as heated as if LiLo and Taylor Swift decided to be roommates. (Can you imagine that? "LINDSAY THAT'S FOR MY HOMEMADE SNOWGLOBES, STOP TRYING TO SNIFF IT!")

Now, you don't want that. I don't want that. And Ringo here definitely doesn't want that. So how can you avoid ruining your friendship during a booze-induced sleepover? Luckily, I've compiled some handy rules for crashing after a party:

1.) Poppin' Bottles Under no circumstances should you open a bottle of liquor you didn't bring, unless you have permission from the party host. Your drunk ass can't tell the difference between Smirnoff and Granddad's vintage scotch at this point, so don't gamble.

2.) Four more shots of Patron, don't give a fuck about goin' home Of course you don't, but shots of Patron (and other pricey liquors) are not for solitary consumption. Don't do a shot of these liquors alone - it's rude to the other party guests, but more importantly, it offends the liquor commercial gods.

3.) Been drinkin' too much for sure Yeah, we know. That's why you will be provided with a shopping-bag lined wastebasket next to your bed/couch/floor spot. In the event of an involuntary expelling of your stomach contents, every effort should be made to reach the toilet, but if it's not possible, use the basket.

4.) If the cops roll up, poor the cops a cup Seriously, don't do this. Are you fucking crazy? Promise to turn down the music and lock the door.

5.) Take a genius to understand me Here's the deal: We all pinky-swear to each other's grandiose "plans" for tomorrow, agree that together we could solve all the world's problems, and then tomorrow we pretend the whole conversation never happened. Bringing up last night's crazy scheme to scale the Rockies and then run for Congress over this morning's plate of International Pancakes is considered a party foul.

6.) Pictures of last night ended up online Don't be a dick. You absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, post pictures from this party on Facebook, unless you have the express consent of every person in the picture. No exceptions.

7.) Sorry for party rocking That's all well and good, but if you urinate anywhere besides the bathroom, we are no longer friends.

8.) You, sir, do not have a pair of testicles if you prefer drinkin' from glass While this may or may not be true, remember that no one is going to get pissed at you for cracking a solo cup, even if beer does "run down the front of [your] pack".

9.) I got the mooooooooves like Jagger No, you don't. If, during the course of your intoxication, you believe that you do, you agree that any demonstrations to that effect are subject to videotaping, but as far as sharing goes, see Rule #6 and remember that permission obtained from a drunk person is not really permission any more than a compliment from a drunk person means you really do look like Megan Fox/Ryan Gosling.

10.) In the morning, buy me eggs Depending on when and in what state of terrible hangover we all wake up, we may elect to go to breakfast together. This is completely fine and not considered an overstay of your welcome, but remember that offers to come back and maybe catch a movie after breakfast are just kind, empty gestures. We all just want to go crawl back into bed until it's dark out, so please don't take this away from your gracious party hosts.

And that's it! Obviously I can't predict every possible bit of assholery you might get into, but hopefully this handy list will help you (or your party guests) keep the basics straight. We all want to have fun, but nobody wants to spend the day after the party cleaning bodily fluids and watching The Rules of Attraction with you, no matter how much we might love you. Remember that, and I'm sure you'll be back next weekend! (Bring a bottle this time, you fucking cheapskate.)

4 Things I Couldn't Make Up

4 of the strangest, funniest and/or cringe-worthiest things I've witnessed in the last few years. Absolutely positively not made up. (Who could think this stuff up?) It was going to be 5 things but sometimes I get bored easily, and somewhere between 4 and 5 was one of those times.

1) The French Fry Liberator

While at a local diner, I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich with french fries for lunch. As I was nomming, an older couple sat down right next to me at the counter, despite there being plenty of other seats around. The woman got up to use the bathroom, then sat back down while I sat there enjoying cheesy, buttery goodness and otherwise minding my own business. Then I detected movement from the corner of my eye: the woman's finger tip-toeing its way to the edge of my plate. I looked up and met her gaze and she said, "You don't mind if I have some of your french fries do you?" to which I replied... "Yes, yes I do mind." "But," she said, "what if it was only one french fry? Can I please have just one french fry?" "Uhm, sorry, no. These are my french fries," I replied. She countered, "But surely you're not going to eat all of those french fries?" "Yes, I am," I said, "That's why I ordered them." This entire conversation took place to the background music of the toilet flushing after her foray into the diner's restroom. And then of course, I was OBLIGATED to finish every last french fry, even though I got full halfway through.

2) The Bagel Burglar

People attempting to steal my food is a common theme here, isn't it? I was in line at the Dunkin Donuts drive-through in my home town. I had just placed my order to the disembodied voice coming through the speaker, and was waiting for the cars ahead of me to drive up to the window so I could follow. I glanced down to get out my Oscar the Grouch wallet (don't judge) so I could pay, and when I looked up the way was clear. I started to drive forward, when this car comes around the corner from a few cars behind me, swerves aside and then in front of me to the window, grabs a paper bag now containing MY MULTIGRAIN BAGEL DAMMIT IT BETTER NOT BE THE LAST ONE THEY HAD and peels off! 

3) Math for Dummies

This one takes place in my hometown too - honestly this compilation is starting to make me think I should move. I was in Walgreens waiting for the person in front of me to finish checking out, and it was taking FOREVER. Honestly, I expected it to be some little old lady counting out pennies and getting seventeen rain checks for denture cream and stool softener, but it was a perfectly ordinary-looking (for a mulleted person anyway) middle-aged woman, brandishing the store's sales flyer. "You rang me up wrong," she accused the cashier, a woman probably about my own age, "This soda is supposed to be 4 for $5, but you charged me $1.25 each!" The cashier pulled out a calculator and started punching numbers in like mad. ("She's kidding, right?" I was thinking, then, "Oh wait, I get it. She's going to do the math out and show her.") Then the cashier picked up the phone. "Manager to registers," she intoned, and the manager came over. the three women hunched over the calculator together, and finally I couldn't take it anymore (plus I was kind of in a rush). "You know," I piped up, "Four items for five dollars... that is $1.25 each." I got three blank looks (okay two blank looks and a dirty look - which wasn't fair because how could this woman possibly know what I was thinking about her mullet?) and they were still punching things into the register when I checked out in a different line and left.

4) The McDonald's Diet
My fiancé and I were in our hometown McDonalds, waiting in line, when they guy in front of us gets to the front of the line and asks the which sandiwches have no fat. No, I'm not kidding. "The lower-fat sandwiches? Like the grilled chicken?" the cashiers clarifies. "No," the old guy says, clearly getting irritated, taking his hands from the pocket of his khakis to place them on his hips, "I didn't ask for the low-fat sandwiches, I asked for the NO-fat sandwiches. The sandwiches that have no fat." The cashier turns away, consults a few co-workers, shuffles through the pile of nutritional facts sheets, and smacks one down on the counter. "This lists our entire menu, sir," he says, "Everything has fat, except maybe the water and the Diet coke. Look, even the light salad dressing has fat." The old guy turns around and kind of glances around at everyone else waiting in line, I guess either to see how many people he's irritating, or maybe to make some kind of khakis-and-lumberjack-shirt fashion statement. Then he looks back at the cashier. "I don't want to eat a salad, I want to eat a sandwich. A burger, or a chicken sandwich at the very least, that has no fat." Another customer in line, maybe trying to be helpful, goes, "No fat at all? That sounds pretty strict." and the old guy gets all indignant and replies, "You would want to be strict to if all that fat was going to your heart!" Okay, okay. Ignoring the fact that it's cholesterol he should be worried about... seriously, man? McDonald's?? Then he turns to everyone in line again and goes, "This place is getting worse and worse. It's unbelievable!" to which there is only one response... "Yeah... but it's McDonald's." What the fuck were you expecting?

Library Confidential

Yes, I've tried blogging before. No, I never stuck with it. Will I this time? Who knows? Only time will tell! But I'm not narrowing my focus just to work (too depressing) or just to things I find amusing (although that will probably dominate). I will use handy tags though in case you only want to read the funny (to me) stuff! I'm going to start off with an old post that I still think is relevant and amusing just to get this things started, so without further ado:

Library Confidential (originally published in 2008)

So, I work in a library. Before I worked there, I really had no idea what kind of strange, otherworldly universe libraries really are behind the scenes. Today, I'm going to take YOU on a secret VIP tour of *dun dun dun* what really goes on in public libraries, by exploring the top ten (in my opinion anyway, and it's my blog so you're going to have to deal with my opinion) myths about the library.

Library Myth #10: You don't actually need a library card to use the library.

I know, I know. You've probably never heard this myth before, because you probably have a functioning brain. However, I can assure you that not only does this myth exists, but it's widely accepted as fact among library users. People really think they can walk in and take out hundreds of books just because they are cute. Or old. Or insane. I've heard all different reasons why people couldn't be assed to bring their library cards, or why they don't feel they need one at all. You know what? I bet these are the same people that won't let you use their Stop & Shop card if you forget yours and they're behind you in line. Fucking hypocrites.

Library Myth #9: All librarians are lonely, sex-deprived wannabe strippers who are just waiting for you to come and sweep them off their feet and have your way with them.

Sorry, boys. It's just not true. I can tell you think so by the way you wink at me when I ask for your telephone number, but I assure you it's only so I can forward it to telemarketers. I mean, uhm, so I can call to tell you the book you ordered is here. Yeah, that's it. I'm perfectly capable of getting laid, despite the fact that I do indeed work behind the circulation desk and I do wear eyeglasses. Contrary to popular belief, I am not going to start stripping to bad jazz music if you tell me your library card is in your pants, so please stop hanging around my desk and listening to all my conversations. And for god's sake, stop asking me if I want you to walk me home from work. Unlike you, I actually own a car and I can drive myself home when I'm out of work. Apparently people think that librarians are so desperately lonely that we will sleep with anyone, even nasty, dirty homeless men twice our age. Myth busted, guys.

Library Myth #8: Your taxes pay my salary, damn it.

While taxes do help support a city's various public services, including libraries, everyone who has ever said this to me turns out to be on welfare or disability, so your imaginary taxes aren't paying shit.

Library Myth #7: The library doesn't have anything written after 1979.

Pfft, have you even been to a library lately? We have more DVDs than we do books at this point. We're like Blockbuster, except free. Unless you return all your movies ridiculously late, in which case it's your own damn fault and we're still cheaper than Blockbuster. And for anyone that thinks we don't carry newer books has not been a party to the awkward phone calls when someone wants me to place How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed With You on hold for them. I can inform you that this particular piece of groundbreaking literature was published in 2007, and the library does indeed own a copy. I can even get it sent to your library for you. Just don't expect me to say the title when I call you to tell you it's here.

Library Myth #6: Nobody steals from the library

This one probably never even crossed your mind, but it gets representation in the list because in the last three months the library I work at has had over thirty DVDs stolen right out of the cases. Now we have these horrible locks that you have to slam against the counter to open, because the opener-thingy (yeah that's what we call it) never works right. What's really frightening is how many times someone has stolen "The Police Exam Test Prep Book".

Library Myth #5: Libraries are quiet places where you can read or study in peace.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Library Myth #4: Childrens' librarians love kids.

This might be true for the first six months of the job. Search far and wide and you won't find a seasoned childrens' librarian who hasn't used the phrase "little shits" at least once in the staffroom. It's not really their fault, though. If you saw a snot-nosed kid pulling books off the shelves and throwing them on the floor right after you put those books away, you'd be tempted to use some colorful language, too.

Library Myth #3: Overdue fines are non-negotiable.

Officially, they're not. In reality, it's worth forty cents to us to get you to just shut the fuck up and get on with your day. Seriously, who argues about library overdue fines? That's so lame. It's so lame I don't even want to talk to you. Just go.

Library Myth #2: The library is a safe place where you never have to worry about being attacked by people who think they are from another planet.

Actually, the library is one of the top five places you can go if you're looking to find someone who thinks they're from another planet. We're behind only mental hospitals and the Disney store. There was a woman who, until the last year or so, came to my work twice a week, calmly relating news from her home planet. Sometimes she would spit on people, or threaten to stab them with screwdrivers, but you can't really blame her. You see, Jesus, who incidentally happens to be from the same distant planet as this woman, was telling her via the voices in her head to do these things. Alien-Jesus also told this woman that the reason I made her pay overdue fines was because I knew she was claustrophobic and, being prejudiced against claustrophobes, wanted to punish her. I'm not really sure I understood the logic, but I don't have to, because the Holy Martian did.

And finally... Library Myth #1: Libraries have clean public restrooms.

Dude, people crap in our trashcans.