My 2013 was more sarcastic than yours

I decided to check out the Facebook feature "year in review", because it feels like 2013 flew by, and also, I am home sick and had nothing better to do. Also, since I'm mentioning the fact that I am sick today, I should also mention that when I tried to text my friend that I had taken a sick day, my phone autocorrected "sick day" to "dick daddy", and when I showed my husband, because I thought it was funny, the fucker hit "Send" on my phone, so that happened, today. (I guess I still love him, but that was a seriously dick daddy move).

So, according to what I posted on facebook, here's what my 2013 was like:

I got 2 tattoos and a new kitten, and also took a whole lot of pictures of glasses of beer, for some reason. I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time. I celebrated National Margarita Day before I even fact-checked that it was, in fact, National Margarita Day, dyed my hair 3 different colors (not at the same time), and went on four cruises (fuck yeah). Also, I am apparently the most sarcastic human being on the planet, and I work in a goddamn loony bin.

Oh, and during the height of the NSA surveillance scandal, I created this gem, which I feel I do not get nearly enough credit for:

I'm not sure if the world understands: I didn't find this shit on failblog, I MADE IT, because I am that clever and awesome. Whatever, true genius often goes unappreciated.

Now that I've got that out of the way,  here are the highlights from my status updates:


January 15, 2013:
Made Dean's List again and just found out that if I do it again for the spring semester I will wind up graduating cum laude when I'm finally done :)

(I did it again for spring semester, by the way).

January 19, 2013:
If you did not sit on the washing machine during the spin cycle when you were a kid, you did not have a real childhood.

(It's true. Although, if you didn't own a washing machine, and you went to the laundromat and got in trouble for pushing your sibling around in one of those big wire laundry carts, I'll accept that as a substitute).

March 15, 2013:
I can't believe it took the library 7 years to write me up for swearing.

(Seriously. Can anyone believe that?)

March 29,2013:
BREAKING LIBRARY NEWS: I just heard an excuse that beats the psychosis one!
"I can't return that book.... the thing is, my sister is very religious and she believed the devil was living in that book, and she burned it in a big bonfire full of other evil books."

(Only, when he told the story, it took ten minutes to relay all of the same information I just did in one sentence.)

April 7, 2013:
Me: I'm never drinking again
Scott: you say that all the time
Me: ...sometimes "again" just means "today"

(It's true, I do always say that. But vodka knows I don't mean it... right, vodka?)

May 3, 2013:
man: I need a supervisor
me: They're all in a meeting right now
man: help me jesus, help me jesus
me: ... he's in a meeting, too.

(Someone asked me if I really said this. Yes, of course I did. I will say anything, if I feel strongly enough about it and/or it's funny.)

May 11, 2013:
Me: there's this book i want to read called "stripped: the secret lives of exotic dancers"
[husband]: I'd rather see the movie.

(See, we are so funny together. I mean, I'm funnier, but you know.)

May 14, 2013:
So [husband] and I have been married one year today, and we're both still alive and in possession of a key to the house. That's good, right?

(It is good, right?)

June 7, 2013:
Some lady is complaining about me to the head librarian because I put her card down on the counter in front of her instead of handing it to her. Whatever, I told her my name was Allison Wonderland.

(This is actually my go-to fake name whenever someone is creepy or is obviously trying to start an argument. They don't usually ask for a last name, but I was honestly thrilled this one did. She didn't even bat an eye, just wrote it down.)

June 24, 2013:
1) Say any three words in Spanish
2) Say your name
3) List 5 countries
Congratulations, you just wrote a Pitbull song!

(Mine was: Hola, Amigo, Dos Equis / Stina! / Turkey, Zimbabwe, Uzbekistan, Canada, Poland!)

August 12, 2013:
guy: I'm looking for my friend. She said she was here, on the computer. Where would that be?
me: We have public computers on all 3 floors, I really couldn't tell you.
guy: Well, she's on facebook.
He does know facebook is not a place, right?

(Actually, I don't think he does.)

September 10, 2013:
I just came home and I saw this strange, vaguely historic looking thing on my front porch. It is basically a big yellow book, and inside are a whole bunch of names and businesses with phone numbers, I think. Any ideas what it could be? Should I bring it to a museum or something?

(Who the fuck uses a phone book anymore? Seriously, what a waste of annoyingly tissue-thin paper. They could easily be using that for public restroom toilet paper instead.)

September 20, 2013:
phone call -
woman: I just looked at my computer and it says I still have a video game out that I returned
me (looking it up): So it says that you just renewed it online ten minutes ago...
woman: Well, that's not possible because I don't even have a computer!
me: But you just told me you're looking at it on your computer.
*woman hangs up*

(You can't make this stuff up.)

December 3, 2013:
We (Library Staff) have been invited to put our suggested requirements for the new Head Librarian in an "anonymous" suggestion box. If I get 50 Likes, I will put this in:
"If you want this choice position
Have a cheery disposition
Rosy cheeks, no warts!
Play games, all sort
You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty
Take us on outings, give us treats
Sing songs, bring sweets
Never be cross or cruel
Never give us castor oil or gruel
Love us as a son and daughter
And never smell of barley water
If you won't scold and dominate us
We will never give you cause to hate us
We won't hide your spectacles
So you won't see
Put toads in your bed
Or pepper in your tea"

(It would have been comedy gold, if I'd gotten all 50 likes. Don't blame me for the missed opportunity, I totally would have done it.).

And, last but not least, I know everyone is wondering, what was my New Year's Resolution for 2013, and did I keep it?

Well, here's what it was:

December 31, 2012:
My New Year's resolution? End the year the same way I started it: drunkenly telling my friends how much I love them.

Did I keep it? Oh hell yeah, I did.

Check It Out - Library Comix #2 - Where's My DVD?

Another library comic, introducing another library stereotype, Mullet Meg!

Further proof that, no, nobody reads in a library.

Check It Out - Library Comix #1 - Urgent Informational Need

My first Library Comic using Bitstrips. Think I'm going to make it a series. This one stars me and "Pedo Pete"

MSPaint Cartoons: Say Yes to the Dress

So I saw a commercial for "Say Yes to the Dress" the other day, and I felt inspired to make this graph, representing every bride's relationship to the show. Enjoy my crappy MSPaint comic!

On Pajama Etiquette

It seems fitting that I'm writing a post about pajama etiquette while I am, in fact, wearing pajamas. I love pajamas. Seriously, on the list of things I love, pajamas fall solidly between my husband and expensive tequila. Definitely behind polar bears, but totally ahead of watching trashy tv shows off the DVR on a fake sick day.

But pajamas (much like tequila shots) are an example of a wonderful thing that can go terribly wrong when abused. Those who know me well at all are familiar with my stance on leggings-as-pants. Those who don't know me well are about to find out about my stance on leggings-as-pants: NO. NONONO. THEY ARE NOT PANTS. Pajamas, though? I mean, let's put this on a scale. And because I'm feeling moderately creative, let's make it an infographic (or, at least, my lazy, slapped-together version of an infographic that I can make without getting off the couch and using no equipment but my brain, my coffee, and my chromebook).

So as we can see by this highly sophisticated and educational chart, wearing pajamas outside of your home is so bad that it lives, on the wtf scale, somewhere far, far beyond leggings as pants. It lives, actually, "above and beyond" matching sweatsuits in a very literal sense.

So we've established that wearing pajamas outside of your house does not look good, but let's explore why else you should never, ever do it.

Most people want their clothes to say something about them. Maybe all you want your clothes to say is "I know how to match stuff!" or "Look, I just bought this!" and that's okay. Maybe you want your clothes to be a little edgier, say something like "I do crazy things in bed!" or "I briefly romanticized the idea of prison after watching every episode of Orange is the New Black on the same day!" and that's okay, too. Some people want their clothes to say "I have lots of money and nothing else to spend it on!" or "I live on a diet of dehydrated kale and pages from the September Vogue issue", and that's okay, too. Your clothes can say whatever you want them to say, but the general purpose of clothes is for them to say at least one thing: "Look, I got dressed today!"

Pajamas, when worn out in public, do not say this thing. Pajamas in public do not say anything good. Pajamas don't even say anything, they just sort of vaguely and listlessly imply that you're either deathly ill or so lazy and gross that you probably don't even bother to wipe yourself when you poop. Either way, you shouldn't have left your house today... and you DEFINITELY should not have come to the library, but maybe I'm biased.

Maybe you think if you are wearing pajamas you are being cute. Maybe you think it's an updated, revamped version of that weird pacifier-around-the-neck and side-ponytail thing that briefly happened in the early 90s. (Although, if this is the case, I have to seriously question why you would want to emulate the worst thing that ever happened to clothes in the 90s... yes, I'm including hammer pants and yes, I'm including scrunchies. The. Worst. Thing.) And I will grant you, there are some very narrow circumstances that allow for pajamas in public to be cute. Namely, the person wearing them has to be too young to physically dress themselves. So, if you are not a baby, then you should not be wearing pajamas in public.

Maybe you think, in some weird and misguided way, that wearing your pajamas out in public is sexy. It's not. I don't care if they're tweety bird flannels or a lace teddy, if they're pajamas they belong in your house. Nobody is thinking "Wow, look at that person in their PJs. It just makes me think about them being in bed... mmmm yeah I want to be there, too." Everybody, EVERYBODY is thinking, "Oh my god, is he/she sleepwalking? I better go wake them up so they can put some real pants on."

Maybe you're just super lazy/tired/sick and you HAD to go out but you just didn't have the strength or inclination to get dressed. Well, then maybe you should have just conducted all your errands today through a third party, or at least a drive-through. (Unless you are ordering more than three things at the drive-through, in which case you better wear the clothes you want to be buried in, because I'm not fucking around with that.)

If you have the strength to drive your car, or call a taxi, or wait at a bus stop, or walk your sorry ass to a physical space other than the one you live in, then you have the strength to put on some goddamn pants. You know what? Even leggings. Leggings are still better than pajamas. At least leggings say to the world, "I am trying! I got dressed! I'm just not very good at it, and I probably have a very high opinion of the shape of my own butt!" Which, you know, is still a message, so it's okay. It's not a message I particularly want to receive, but taste is relative. Pajamas are not.

They totally asked to be hackedIRL

Saw this today:

and I have to say, with that tagline so conveniently placed after an expanse of blank space, they are just begging to be trolled. Sadly, I possess neither a modicum of drive or a can of spray paint, so I'll just settle for photoshopping some of the many possibilities.

Feel free to steal the original image and be creative - just upload it in the comments section so I can see!

Fake People Crushes

I read "Your Weirdest Crushes" on Jezebel Groupthink today and it reminded me of all the irrational celebrity/fictional character crushes I've had in my life, so I decided to blog them.

 Don't let me be alone in my public shame though. Comment with your weirdest obsessions with fake people!

First up, all my ludicrous childhood crushes on fake people:

Age 4 - Michelangelo from TMNT

Cool action hero on the most violent TV show I was allowed to watch? Check. Good sense of humor (for a turtle)? Check. And... most importantly of all... This dude always had pizza, which as any 4 year old knows, is the best food ever.








Age 5 - Wolverine from X-Men

I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that my generation's cartoons were a gazillion bajillion times better than the crap today's youth is watching. Case in point? Wolverine, a la 90's Saturday morning cartoons. Not really a crush because he's literally hundreds of years old, but in first grade, I used to tell people he was my dad.




Age 5 - Gambit from X-Men

This one was a legitimate crush. In my first-grade fantasy world, Wolverine was my dad and Gambit was my boyfriend. (I was also best friends with Rogue and Storm, even tough they were older, because fuck Jubilee. She's practically the X-Men equivalent of a Squib.)






Age 6 - Batman from, well, Batman

Can you tell I grew up with brothers? I loved 90s-cartoon-version Batman. In my fantasy, we used to make fun of Robin behind his back while Alfred made us chocolate-chip french toast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.






Age 7 - Speed Racer (Cartoon version)

Ok, honestly? His eyelashes were longer than his girlfriend's, but so what? He had an awesome car and a PET MONKEY.






Age 8 - Half of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

 Look, I was 8. I couldn't make up my mind on just ONE power Ranger to commit myself to obsessing over for the entirety of second grade! Tommy was always my fave, but sometimes you just need to mix it up. For the record, I never liked Jason (Red Ranger). He was just too... frat boy.




Age 10 - This guy from "Out of the Box"

Apparently his name is Tony, and apparently he has only gotten better looking with age. All I know is, he was the solitary reason I would "begrudgingly" let my little brother put "Out of the Box" on TV even though it was my turn to pick.






Age 12 - Bran from The Dark is Rising Sequence

He was a book character not well-known or popular enough to generate much fan-art, so I'll just tell you he was an Albino Welsh teenager on a magical Arthurian quest... ok NOW it sounds weird, doesn't it?


Age 13 - All of Hanson... and their Canadian counterparts, The Moffatts

I was 13, okay? At least they were real people and not cartoon characters!

Age 14 - Sirius Black and Remus Lupin (the book versions, obvs)

Unlike a lot of people I knew, I never bothered having crushes on any of the characters that were my own age. I mean seriously, who is Cedric Diggory next to an escaped convict, amirite?






Age 15 - Seto Kaiba, Marik Ishtar, and Yami Bakura from Yu-Gi-Oh

 So this was definitely a relapse into crushing on cartoon characters, but whatever. I was in high school during the height of the anime-takeover of US teen pop culture, or at least that is what I will tell them if I ever get called in for a psych evaluation.




Age 15 - Brock from Pokemon

I am not proud of this. In my defense, I suppose I needed a reason to watch Pokemon as a 15-year-old girl, and at the time this seemed better than just admitting I thought it was kind of cool. AT THE TIME.







And I won't lie and say my crushes on fake people stopped when I grew up. Here are some examples from my late teens through present day of completely weird celebrity/fictional character crushes:

Severus Snape

You know what? Any version. Book version, movie version, that one awesome hogwarts-was-real-in-this-dream-I-had  version... I don't even feel (that much) shame. This guy was smart, funny, sarcastic, good-hearted, and really great with comebacks. Really his fatal flaw is not existing in real life.





Gale from the Hunger Games (book version)

This guy is badass, okay? I just can't believe they let Miley Cyrus' boyfriend play him in the movies. Worst casting choice ever.










Samwell Tarly from Game of Thrones

OK, so he's no Kit Harrington, but he is a genuinely nice guy and he doesn't pretend to be anything he isn't... like brave, or physically fit. So you know what? I think he's so endearing it makes him cute.





Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones

What he lacks in height he makes up for in pure wit. Besides, I like a man who knows how to drink like one. I do kind of hope that Bronn comes with the deal too, though.





And rounding out the Game of Thrones category...
Natalie Dormer as Margaery Tyrell/Anne Boleyn

I know a few people who don't care for her, and I don't get it. Something about her perpetually crooked smile just gets me like <3






So there you have my weird fictional character crushes. I mean obviously I also <3 Jon Snow from GOT but who doesn't?

What completely non-existent people have you adored?